it has been awhile.

a seemingly innocent coversation on the journey back unwittingly triggered memories that has long been forgiven but never forgotten. like a well-concealed sniper, it crept softly onto you and reared its ugly head before defenses could be gathered.

perhaps it is the perverse nature of man to yearn to be loved, to know that someone is always waiting behind the scenes for you. maybe it is the kick that you get from these ego trips that you refuse to confess that you feel zilch, kosong, no feelings, to those who are foolish enough to think that you are the world. then again, it might be the power that you possess over them, your actions and words dictate their moods subconsciously. a smile and they are in 7th heaven, a cold shoulder and they crash through the purgatory of hell. you keep these people within your grasp, never allowing them to move on with their lives. the moment you sense that they are getting away, you return and wreak havoc on their lives. then you leave them, satisfied that you have left them shattered and crazier about you than ever before. you never spared a thought for these people, of what became of them when you left them shivering in the night. you never considered what might become of them after all's been said and done. that they fear meeting another person like you so much so that they never dared to venture out again.

unwanted memories, forgiven but perhaps not really forgotten.

if only.