In Dreams

If only I could stay asleep.
At least I could pretend that you're thinking of me,
'Cos night time is the one time I am happy.
You see in my dreams,
We climb and climb and at the top we fly,
Let the world go on below us.
We are lost in time.
And I don't know really what it means,
All I know is that you love me,
In my dreams.

only in dreams, only in my dreams.

a man in his late forties having his paws all over a woman who could be his daughter. beside them stand a pair of newlyweds having their wedding photos taken. how ironic. how absolutely downright fucking ironic.

it never rains. it pours. everytime. every single time.

dreams can be cured with a pinch. hopes shatter with a single word. maybes dissove in the face of reality. illusions never change into something real.

now i know, now i really know.

night has settled, dawn approaches in a few hours. i thought sleep occurs when you are tired and then you close your eyes. but it seems that sleep has other ideas for me.

"The only constant in this world is changes."

everything changes, it's just a matter of time. "Times have changed", "Things are different now". how many times have you heard these phrases being uttered? times change, things change and yes, feelings change. sometimes change creeps up on you so silently that you never really did realise until it is too late. you discover that things were not what they used to be. you find yourself standing alone at the crossroads, having to make a decision that will make or break another person's life. at other times, change strike so suddenly that you find it impossible to accept. you stand on this plateau of confusion and disbelief as your life disintegrates before your very eyes. in this midst of despair and bitterness, the word "why?" echoes mockingly in your mind. you need a reason. something for you to accept this change, so that you can be at peace and move on. deep down you hate these changes that have totally altered your life. you don't want to make that decision, you refuse to accept that things can change that fast. but all has changed, maybe its time to make that decision and move on.

Storm

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the oceans shapeless form.
The water's getting harder to thread
with these waves crashing over my head.

If I could just see you everything would be alright.
If I could see you this darkness would turn into light
and I will walk on water, and you will catch me if I fall,
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything would be alright, and everything would be alright.

maybbe one day, someone would invent a switch that can be implanted into humans. when it is time to sleep, people just need to set the alarm and turn off the switch. immediately, they will fall into the blissful surrender of sleep. and the switch will be turned on when the alarm goes off the following morning. people will then face the new day fresh and with ample amount of sleep. imagine the amount of insomniacs this will cure. people can literally sleep away their melancholy during the night. but that is something for the future. for now, people still face sleepless nights for whatever reasons. they roam on this realm between dream and reality where they are to face the night alone. they wish that darkness would claim them and bring them salvation. but it is another joke played on them by life when you cant even sleep when you want to.

Solitude never felt this real.

Life is unpredictable. everyone is powerless against the passage of time and fate. lives could be changed forever in a blink of an eye. there are times when you feel that watching the sunrise is not a privelge but a given right. you do not realise that there are other people who had gone through hell and purgatory just to live through the previous night. you take every day as it is and always plan about 'tomorrow', never realising that one day 'tomorrow' might not arrive. have you thought about today? or is it just like any other day? have you neglected the finer things in life because of your obsession of material wants? when was the last time you put your hands over your mum's shoulders and watched Tv together? when was the last time you apologised to your friends for being patient with such a disaster like you? when was the last time you told them you love them? they might break your heart if you tell them, but if you don't, you might break theirs.

the more i talk, the more misunderstood everything gets. maybe its a sign to close this space down.

what in the freaking blue hell is wrong with the goddamn bloody image? is this some kind of sick joke? well, i dont bloody get it and it ain't funny at all! please stop this lame thing and return me my image!

okay where do i begin? i think my loser qualities are becoming obvious. was standing in queue at a petrol mart for Newpaper. don't get me wrong, the cashier was friendly and courteous. "hi sir! any petrol?". that was her friendly first-liner to all the guys in front of me. some said yes and of course some said no (because they dont have a car). but when it was my turn, instead of that, i got "70 cents". i waited for a good 5 seconds for the "any petrol" part to come but no. she just stared at me..what? i don't look like someone who's rich and can own a car? everyone was in shorts and t-shirts. why do they have the "i own a car" look, and i dont have? is it in their t - shirts? just because i wear a school t-shirt doesnt mean i dont own a car! i dont, but that's not the point. loser.

revisited my friendster account. most of my friends have at least 100 friends. wow. then i look at mine. pathetic. terrible. shocking. incorrigible. 29. 29! Loser!

and to top it all off. i hate my face. i look like a, i quote "hokkien ah beng". yeah, laugh and gloat all you want.

LOSER

the bills just came in. i need a job. i need it like right now!

there's always this assumption that it is always those mats that will always be rowdy and making a helluva lot of noise at the void decks and vicinity. no offence to the mats but hey, they are always seen around there, aren't they. however, it seems that they are not the only ones who can be irritating. big groups of people,regardless of race, will also congregate there in the name of revision. the topics that they discuss are at times intriguing but mostly irritating. maybe they do not understand that there are actually individuals who seek refuge there so as to get down to some serious revision where they try to understand the greek words that are staring back at them. shoutout to the bald lonely indian that was at the other end. although i have an understandable aversion to your race but well..what the heck..we endured. they even touched on the virtues of swallowing semen. unbelievable, wonder what module's that.

well, not all's bad. maybe you get to bump into old buddies that you have never seen for ages and do catch up. catching up is one thing you should never get bored of. the old gossips, the old flames, the bitches that you used to hate, those buddies you use to have. catching up is a fulfilling pastime.

life is just one big rehearsal for a play that will never take place. it is sad when people say that life is short and yet life decides to make it all into a big joke. in a blink of an eye, when we are left alone to face our own skeletons, we realise that what we want is never what we get. you have grown weary and spent. past comforts have all become nothing but a figment of the past. at the end of the day, you need a place where you can rest your soul upon. you need someone who will hold you quietly while you cry. but you never get what you want. so you continue on this journey, this rehearsal, till the day your limbs can no longer move, till the day when light grows dimmer and dimmer. till the day when oblivion engulfs you.

solace - where are you when i need you.

hold me.

Perhaps I know why it is man alone who laughs: He alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter. i hate smiling to pretend that i'm not hurt. i hate to giggle to show that i'm ok. i hate to laugh after i cry. i hate all these because it's just one big lie. defenses are stripped to the bare minimum. excess baggage follow you around. tired, drained, exhausted. you need a breather, someone to hear you out. but as much as you want to, there's somethin holding you back. you realise you don't even know what to talk about. would they understand the gibberish that you dish out? sometimes there's just too much to say that in the end you give up trying to convey. you are only human. you seek solace. but from what, from where, from whom? maybe some thing. maybe some where, maybe some one. maybe no one.

i need you

they say when you are alone its better because nobody knows you. when no one's your friend, it's better because nobody leaves you. But i hear voices and i see colours. and i wish i didn't feel anything. that it might be easy for me, like it is for you. why is it always them and not me that finds it easy? If so, why do we yearn for company when we are perfectly fine alone, empowering them with the ability to hurt us? why do we lower ourselves to a position of emotional vulnerability where a word can shatter our very soul? in the bitter watches of the night, when the silence is deafening and the darkness complete, you find youself reaching out involuntarily to something, someone. but to whom, to what? why do you even reach out in the first place? who or what has ever answered your call of distress? haven't you always faced your nightmares alone with only the silence ever witnessing the whisperings of your tears. then why the desire, the need, still festers after all these time? i guess solitude is the profoundest fact of human condition because man are the only beings who knows he is alone. but why, why must you feel this way?

The shifting sands of love, like death, send you to a place of pleasure and pain. Fight on, save your soul from eternal torment.

dont.

it is moments like this, the realm between the fast approaching daylight and the lingering night, that your senses seem to heightened. it is times like this, when you are slowly slipping into oblivion, that you suddenly feel lost and devoid of directions. you never do like reading signals because you always believe you will get it wrong. you'd rather refuse to guess than get it wrong, because the consequences will spiral beyond control. you are shivering, with no arms for you to seek solace. there's no choice but to go on, against the freezing cold and loneliness with this unexplainable feeling that is festering in your heart. how you wish that you could just slip into oblivion and stay in the darkness forever. how you wish there's a place where you could rest your tired soul upon. maybe one day you'll stop having emotions that should never happen in the first place.

but come on.

fucking computer. what kind of computer will hang just when you are about to save?? Aaargh!!!..all gone!!..what the heck is wrong?.. and now i have a phobia that it will hang, flash is also killing me and dunno why i cant sign in to msn and my mum just bought durians and the whole kitchen stink of durians..Aaargh!!!

"I can't believe I've lived this long without having your love," she whispered weakly. "You have had it. I've always loved you," he said quietly, threading his fingers through her hair to press her head against his heart. "I just didn't know your name."

don't judge me, when you do not know me. don't pretend to be a saint in front of me, and stab me when i'm not looking. how dare you call me names, when you know truly you deserve much more than you are getting now. stop talking behind others back. i'm fed up. if it's a fight you want. then a fight is what you get. come and get me. make the first move. don't keep me waiting.