i'mtiredandihavetoservebeertoassholeslaterdammitihatemylife.

and all of these for what?

for what?

FUCK

Window to the past

a bus ride down memory lane
the place between pleasure and pain

outside
the scenes
past and present
assault my senses

wistfulness played
across my lips
as a familiar tune
sounded within the
pockets of my mind

so many times
so many ways
and all the moments
that passed us by

yet all we could do is
heave a sigh
and be thankful
that everything we will keep
till the day we die.

it's something unpredictable and yet in the end it's right.
i hope you have the time of your life.

*oh i hate clubbing. still

They aren't that indispensable you know.

I came across this article not long ago and it's quite interesting.

5 types of women that you should never ever date.

1. The Chronic Cheater
Never date a chronic cheater. Even though attraction has alot to do with whether a woman cheats on you or not (a woman will be less likely to cheat on you if she's CRAZY about you), some women are more prone to cheating. It's just in their DNA/character and they can't help it. The moment you turn your back on her and a hot stud (or even a not-so-hot guy) walks by, she's going to want him. and guess who cleans up the mess?

2. The Golddigger
You should never ever buy stuff just to impress women and gain their approval. buy them because you want to. on your terms. if she dares to ask you to buy her expensive things, it's time to lay the smack down and throw her out.

3. The Baggage Girl
Baggage women are even worse than golddiggers. Golddiggers take your money, which you could always earn back. But baggage girls drain you of your energy until you end up feeling depressed like her.

Relationships are already hard enough to sustain with a "healthy" woman, so dating a woman with a lot of emotional baggage is like preparing your own funeral. It's like carrying a rigged time bomb around your pocket, not knowing when it will explode.

4. The Self-Proclaimed Princess
The self-proclaimed princess is a spoiled little brat who is too used to getting everything and anything she wants in life. Rich parents, good looks, plenty of suitors to serenade her. She breaks a nail and she wants you to drive her to the nail salon immediately. Cooking and doing house chores are fine as long as you're the one doing it. She just wants to sit there and wait for you to massage her feet.

You can date a princess if she is flexible and willing to fit herself into your world. But if she doesn't, then it's time to kick her into the air, back to the top of the castle tower where she belongs.

5. The Chronic Bitch
Pessimistic women are poisonous and a definite no no. They argue about EVERYTHING and once married, their favorite hobby is making their men feel guilty. Yeah thats you, Bronco.

side note from me: remember a beautiful face does not mean a wondeful personality. we often fall for the trap that just because a woman is hot/beautiful/gorgeous we think that they have great characters and personalities.

"But she's so beautiful! how would i know she is.."

ever said that? that's when the shit hits the fan and you discover how terribly wrong the assumption was. just because a woman is beautiful does not mean people have to kiss the chair she sat on.

sometimes i blog hop. i come across different themes from people yabbering about breakups to those voyueristic weirdos who like to tell everybody what they do from the moment they wake up to the minute they hit the sack. seriously i dont know why they do that. there they are screaming and whining for privacy from their parents and then they decide that the rest of the world can share their life. makes you scratch your head. but hey, who says the world is logical anyway?

if you're with me. i need a silent nod here.

sorry, i digress.

well, it's fine by me. ultimately its your website and you're entitled to your say. even those which literally stinks of narcissism, self-love, megalomania.. i think a nicer way to put it is misplaced confidence. i think i suffer from that too.

what the heck, you didnt have to know that.

but what really piss me off is when narcissism disintegrates into self-delusion and one starts thinking he is better than everyone. and actually proclaiming it to the world.

gimme a break.

maybe you're animated. hell, a monkey animates all day and is damned well more animated.

maybe you can make a woman laugh and all the others before you cant. hell, a dog can make women laugh.

if you agree. read on. if you dont. read on anyway because it's too late to turn back.

oh i can hear the indignance coming.

"well it's my blog and if you dont like it you can dont read."

thats absolute bullshit.

if you so like praising yourself and putting down others. keep a fucking diary. what i cant see. i dont care.

man, do i sound bitter or what?

on an entirely different note. i recently have a new dream. i want to become a notorious male escort where the big bucks will come rolling in. and i can shove the projects up where the sun dont shine.

and to quote from a blog i read -> "cheebye, look what has education taught us."

AMEN

Drowning in a pool of blood

sometimes my enthusiasm get the better of me. we will codename enthusiasm as 'asshole' for easy reference. and it likes to show by agreeing to do slave work for other people when it knows truly well that its master is literally buried in a moutain of work.


but no.
obviously asshole has a life of its own.

"sure no problem." --> this is asshole's favourite phrase anytime, anywhere.

A: "Is it ok if you join this activity?"
--> insert asshole's favourite phrase

B: " can you help me in producing this thing?"
--> insert asshole's favourite phrase

C: "i need people can you help me?"
--> insert asshole's favourite phrase

D:" i dont really have time, can you take over me?"
--> insert asshole's favourite phrase

E: "i dont really like you. can you go kill yourself?"
--> insert asshole's favourite phrase

Well, actually E was me fantasizing. but you get the picture.

asshole is taking over my life and changing my life into an ass-filled reality. i tried to get out but the damage is already done and now asshole has left me for dead. i have to crawl out of this shit infested hole myself. asshole has made some stupid decisions that cabt be changed. well its nothing surprising, since it's an asshole. and i have to live with the decisions.

what an ASSHOLE.

somebdy shoot me please.

dammit. i'm addicted to maplestory. *gasp

oh well.

To whom it may concern.

i stay out of your life. you stay out of mine. i dont poke my nose into your business. you keep yours away from my business.

what i do is none of your goddamned fucking business.

thank you.

*shut up please

FRIENDS WITH EXTRAS?

what the hell's this? friends that provide "full services"? well the excuses for getting into something like this are, "i just want to have fun", "i dont want any emotional attachments", "i dont want to be hurt" and blah blah blah yada yada yada .

what crap. what utter crap.

a friend is a friend is a friend. a lover is a lover is a lover. your lover can be your best friend not the other way round. now people want their friends to become their lovers when they feel like it. so you say everything is strictly physical. bullshit. every human being crave emotional bonds.

ok a little overreaction there. but what the hell. it's beyond my comprehension.

you cant blame me when you discover that married personnel have 'friends with extras' too. not just the male but our female counterparts have them too.

now, how the fuck do you explain this?

your husband/wife cant fulfill your needs? your insatiable sex drive needs another vessel? you experiencing the 7-year itch (apparently its 2-year now)?

what about your marriage vowels? they dont mean a thing anymore? then why say it in the beginning? how can you keep a straightface when you stare into your wife's eyes and tell her 'i love you'? or has lying became a second-nature to you already?

dammit.

i know divorce is the future tense of marraige.

but FOR FUCK'S SAKE

at least try to make it work.

Salvador Dali - Figure at the window

The room lies empty now
curtains are what is left
of a life that will be
soon forgotten

she stands and gazes
at the images, she had seen before
so many times, so many ways
the gentle breeze
starts a tune beside her
and her eyes close
to hold back her emotions

and just like that
the memories came rushing
into her
the echo of the wind
howled mockingly

the deafening silence
drowns the delicate trembling of
her hands

she stands and looks
one last time
at all the things
that she had held dear
but would be forever left
behind

a single tear
escapes
as she bids
goodbye
and disappears into
the distant horizon

"Hmm, what'd you say,
mmm, that you only meant well?
Well, 'course you did
Hmm, what'd you say,
mmm, that it's all for the best
Of course it is
Hmm, what'd you say,
mmm, that it's just what we need
You decided this
Hmm, what'd you say,
mmm, what did she say?"

sometimes during the course of existence, you might come across something that just touches you on a whole new level. the words weaves seamlessly with your memory and form an image so stunning it's almost alive. and with that, the floodgates are unlocked and every single detail appears in front of you in with unerring accuracy. you could almost feel the night breeze and smell your favourite fragrance.

pictures, images, flow ruthlessly through your veins, making their way to the depths of your soul. with a silent scream, your resistance disappear and you succumb to the depths of darkness that swallowed you whole.

* to you: people change. and to think you, of all people decided to give me a piece of your mind. oh please.

i am not a hotel. where people can visit when they feel like it and leave when they are done with their fun.

and guess who cleans up the mess they leave behind?

it's tiring work and i will never do that again.

EVER.

* it has always been you and not me. now i know,
now i really know.

recently i have come to realise that my grasp of the chinese language is incorrigible. there are instances where i discovered that i would translate english literally into chinese and use it. and that of course sounded crass and without class. all the subtle nuances and double meanings is all lost when everything is translated in chinese. and i must say that the coupe de grace would be the other party not fully understanding you and then you have to switch to a language you feel so clumsy when trying to wield it.

and this is so exasperating.

damn.

i remember from the movie Love Actually, there was this portugese lady and englishman, Aurelia and Jamie. despite not speaking each other's languages, they managed to fall in love and live happily ever after(duh).

now, lets stop here and contemplate a little.

how is that possible?

i guess Jamie just has to look deeply into Aurelia's eyes and hope that she realises that he wants fish and chips for dinner tonight.

you have been warned.

sigh

and yeah, how does one say 'fancy some stimulating conversation and wonderful company?" in chinese?

The beginning of the End

and so the end draws near, with every step it clouds the mind with dread so unfathomable that it chokes the body. you stand at the edge of the precipice and death beckons. in its hands, death offers you salvation and oblivion. at that moment, all things become clear. the darkness clears and you begin to smile.

you take the plunge.

Sinistrality

recently i read a book about left-handedness and was glad that i wasnt born before my time. apparently besides racial, language, class discrimination, your laterality or to be specific your left-handedness is also discriminated. besides being seen as weird and not properly developed, we are also of sinister origins. left hands are also considered 'unclean' hands.

'As the right gained grounds on all fronts, inevitably, the left began to decline in acceptability, becoming associated with the more negative aspects of abnormality, darkness and wickedness.'

damn. talk about bigotry to the extreme.

i'm not done yet. moving on.

did you ever experience what i named 'handache' during long periods of writing with your hand especially during exams? do your nails dig into your index or middle finger while you hold your pen and sometimes your entire left hand becomes painful after a heavy bout of writing? how about calluses that develop from clutching your pen tightly? i have them.

'as a left hander, i must put my oar in here again and admit that exams were a nightmare, for to sit for long periods writing interminably with a pen clutched tightly in the pushing position creates cramps and muscle fatigue in the left hand, index finger and thumb not experienced by the right-hander. if the left-hander's exam scripts were seen to be shorter, it may not haven been because they wrote slowly but because they were sitting for a physical endurance test as well as a mental ability test. the sooner its over, the better.'

i'm sure glad i'm not the only one experiencing all the writing grief.

but fret not fellow lefties, we are in the league of geniuses.

some of the most prominent people in past and present were sinistrals. some of them include, Alexander the Great, Joan of Arc, Ronald Regan, Paul McCartney, Charlie Chaplin, Marilyn Monroe, Albert Einstein.

and my personal favourite.

Jack the Ripper.

and yes, he was never caught.

Finally

thank you for re-inviting me back to the virtual world. life was absolute hell without your presence. dont you know that i fall apart without you? how could a crocked graphic card cause so much depression.

dammit.

well while you were away, i learnt one thing.

no matter how hot/babelicious/gorgeeous/whatever a woman is. they have no fucking right to expect that they will get their way everytime. it is no excuse to be obnoxious or unreasonable. just because other people kiss the chair you sit on and worship the ground you walk on does not mean i have to smile and say your flatulence smelt heavenly. wake up and smell the roses.

bitch(es)

Some cracks can be felt but not seen

i remember the times
when we used to
sit by our
favourite coffee place

on the
plush red sofa
where we would
watch the world
pass us by
while
finishing off
each other's sentences

with our
raspberry fraps; caramel dreams; vanilla lattes; berrydreams
in hand
we would invite one another
into our own personal realities
where we teased at the insecurities
and laughed at the embarrassments

the world goes on around us
we are lost in time

but now
we no longer
mention the
plush red sofa
nor
have time
to enjoy our drinks
together

awkward silences
replace
the spaces
that was once
for the laughter

veiled innuendoes
and
underlying annoyance
now dominate
our conversations

easy acceptance
has surrendered to
extreme impatience

when our gazes meet
the smile that appears
never quite reach our eyes

bring me back
bring us back
to the time
where we first began

before everything
becomes
what it is slowly
becoming

a memory


*and i see you standing there, wanting more from me. but all i can do is try.

At this moment
All hope is lost
Music and beauty
Are nothing but salt in my sadness
Pure ice sear through my veins
Leaving behind an empty white void
Who could have thought
That the angel of death
Was so cruel?
Or that known desire
Would melt this vast
Winter night into
A flood of darkness.


*and we stare at each other and i think, dont leave me.

Terri Schindler has moved on

Terri Schindler died on thursday.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/03/31/schiavo/index.html

my question is, how can the husband move on like nothing happened? that's his wife getting starved and dehydrated.

did he even shed a tear for her?

我知道伤心不能改变什么 那么 让我诚实一点
诚实 难免有不能控制的宣泄 只要关上了门 不必理谁

一个人坐在空荡包厢里面 手机 让它休息一夜
难 像切歌切掉回忆的画面 眼泪不能不能流过十二点

生日快乐 我对自己说 蜡烛点了 寂寞亮了
生日快乐 泪也融了 我要谢谢你给的你拿走的一切

还爱你 带一点恨 还要时间 才能平衡
热恋伤痕 幻灭重生 祝我生日快乐

A treatise of longing

I want many things.

i want to travel the world. see things i never seen and learn languages i never knew exsited. i want to learn how to sail. to feel the wind against my face. to remind myself that the sunsets are still beautiful. i want to skydive. to leave my mark among the clouds. to feel the thrill of flying. to cheat death. i want to have superpowers. to be wolverine. to experience the feeling of invincibility. to discover what it's like to kill so dispassionately. to be so detached and yet so passionate. ruthless but with the ability to love.

i hate it when people think that the world revolves around them and that time has to stand still when they have problems. i hate it when they believe that their problems are so earth-shattering that they have to spend forever brooding and sulking when real people are dying across continents and around the world. i hate people who dont know how to shut up. when they say things without thinking. when their words are designed to hurt. when they air their opinions openly about issues that are none of their goddamned business. your opinions are yours to keep, but for fuck's sake shut up if nobody's asking for it.


*when i need you, you're only almost here.

A drop of blood in a bowl of milk

recently i got to experience two extreme ends of human nature.

i finished reading The Timetraveller's Wife and the story was nothing short of heart-wrenching. with a love so strong that transcends time (literally), i wouldnt blame you if you started to believe in the world again.

it's really a great read and is different from the normal thrashy romance thingys. one precaution though, if you have tears, then prepare to shed them. but you would feel that the world is a better place after reading.

but alas, i have to go watch Closer.

yeap, so sigh with me.

the word love and everything good that was associated to it was destroyed by the movie. love was bandied around like a hot potato. one minute i love you, the next minute i love her but in the end i guess i love me most.

everybody fucks everybody and everybody wants to know if how many times the other body came. there is no choice but to deduce that love lasts only as long as the next great fuck.

it was one big love making story.

so at the end of the day, cynicism won hands down in the face of idealism.

maybe thats why The Timetraveller's Wife is a "great read" while Closer is a movie that "depicts real life".


*i feel so tired that i bought stapler without buying staplets.
i feel so tired that i missed my stop while i was standing on the train
i feel so tired that i almost threw my clothes in the bin instead of the washing machine.

i feel so fucking tired.