The beginning of the End

and so the end draws near, with every step it clouds the mind with dread so unfathomable that it chokes the body. you stand at the edge of the precipice and death beckons. in its hands, death offers you salvation and oblivion. at that moment, all things become clear. the darkness clears and you begin to smile.

you take the plunge.

Sinistrality

recently i read a book about left-handedness and was glad that i wasnt born before my time. apparently besides racial, language, class discrimination, your laterality or to be specific your left-handedness is also discriminated. besides being seen as weird and not properly developed, we are also of sinister origins. left hands are also considered 'unclean' hands.

'As the right gained grounds on all fronts, inevitably, the left began to decline in acceptability, becoming associated with the more negative aspects of abnormality, darkness and wickedness.'

damn. talk about bigotry to the extreme.

i'm not done yet. moving on.

did you ever experience what i named 'handache' during long periods of writing with your hand especially during exams? do your nails dig into your index or middle finger while you hold your pen and sometimes your entire left hand becomes painful after a heavy bout of writing? how about calluses that develop from clutching your pen tightly? i have them.

'as a left hander, i must put my oar in here again and admit that exams were a nightmare, for to sit for long periods writing interminably with a pen clutched tightly in the pushing position creates cramps and muscle fatigue in the left hand, index finger and thumb not experienced by the right-hander. if the left-hander's exam scripts were seen to be shorter, it may not haven been because they wrote slowly but because they were sitting for a physical endurance test as well as a mental ability test. the sooner its over, the better.'

i'm sure glad i'm not the only one experiencing all the writing grief.

but fret not fellow lefties, we are in the league of geniuses.

some of the most prominent people in past and present were sinistrals. some of them include, Alexander the Great, Joan of Arc, Ronald Regan, Paul McCartney, Charlie Chaplin, Marilyn Monroe, Albert Einstein.

and my personal favourite.

Jack the Ripper.

and yes, he was never caught.

Finally

thank you for re-inviting me back to the virtual world. life was absolute hell without your presence. dont you know that i fall apart without you? how could a crocked graphic card cause so much depression.

dammit.

well while you were away, i learnt one thing.

no matter how hot/babelicious/gorgeeous/whatever a woman is. they have no fucking right to expect that they will get their way everytime. it is no excuse to be obnoxious or unreasonable. just because other people kiss the chair you sit on and worship the ground you walk on does not mean i have to smile and say your flatulence smelt heavenly. wake up and smell the roses.

bitch(es)

Some cracks can be felt but not seen

i remember the times
when we used to
sit by our
favourite coffee place

on the
plush red sofa
where we would
watch the world
pass us by
while
finishing off
each other's sentences

with our
raspberry fraps; caramel dreams; vanilla lattes; berrydreams
in hand
we would invite one another
into our own personal realities
where we teased at the insecurities
and laughed at the embarrassments

the world goes on around us
we are lost in time

but now
we no longer
mention the
plush red sofa
nor
have time
to enjoy our drinks
together

awkward silences
replace
the spaces
that was once
for the laughter

veiled innuendoes
and
underlying annoyance
now dominate
our conversations

easy acceptance
has surrendered to
extreme impatience

when our gazes meet
the smile that appears
never quite reach our eyes

bring me back
bring us back
to the time
where we first began

before everything
becomes
what it is slowly
becoming

a memory


*and i see you standing there, wanting more from me. but all i can do is try.

At this moment
All hope is lost
Music and beauty
Are nothing but salt in my sadness
Pure ice sear through my veins
Leaving behind an empty white void
Who could have thought
That the angel of death
Was so cruel?
Or that known desire
Would melt this vast
Winter night into
A flood of darkness.


*and we stare at each other and i think, dont leave me.

Terri Schindler has moved on

Terri Schindler died on thursday.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/03/31/schiavo/index.html

my question is, how can the husband move on like nothing happened? that's his wife getting starved and dehydrated.

did he even shed a tear for her?

我知道伤心不能改变什么 那么 让我诚实一点
诚实 难免有不能控制的宣泄 只要关上了门 不必理谁

一个人坐在空荡包厢里面 手机 让它休息一夜
难 像切歌切掉回忆的画面 眼泪不能不能流过十二点

生日快乐 我对自己说 蜡烛点了 寂寞亮了
生日快乐 泪也融了 我要谢谢你给的你拿走的一切

还爱你 带一点恨 还要时间 才能平衡
热恋伤痕 幻灭重生 祝我生日快乐

A treatise of longing

I want many things.

i want to travel the world. see things i never seen and learn languages i never knew exsited. i want to learn how to sail. to feel the wind against my face. to remind myself that the sunsets are still beautiful. i want to skydive. to leave my mark among the clouds. to feel the thrill of flying. to cheat death. i want to have superpowers. to be wolverine. to experience the feeling of invincibility. to discover what it's like to kill so dispassionately. to be so detached and yet so passionate. ruthless but with the ability to love.

i hate it when people think that the world revolves around them and that time has to stand still when they have problems. i hate it when they believe that their problems are so earth-shattering that they have to spend forever brooding and sulking when real people are dying across continents and around the world. i hate people who dont know how to shut up. when they say things without thinking. when their words are designed to hurt. when they air their opinions openly about issues that are none of their goddamned business. your opinions are yours to keep, but for fuck's sake shut up if nobody's asking for it.


*when i need you, you're only almost here.

A drop of blood in a bowl of milk

recently i got to experience two extreme ends of human nature.

i finished reading The Timetraveller's Wife and the story was nothing short of heart-wrenching. with a love so strong that transcends time (literally), i wouldnt blame you if you started to believe in the world again.

it's really a great read and is different from the normal thrashy romance thingys. one precaution though, if you have tears, then prepare to shed them. but you would feel that the world is a better place after reading.

but alas, i have to go watch Closer.

yeap, so sigh with me.

the word love and everything good that was associated to it was destroyed by the movie. love was bandied around like a hot potato. one minute i love you, the next minute i love her but in the end i guess i love me most.

everybody fucks everybody and everybody wants to know if how many times the other body came. there is no choice but to deduce that love lasts only as long as the next great fuck.

it was one big love making story.

so at the end of the day, cynicism won hands down in the face of idealism.

maybe thats why The Timetraveller's Wife is a "great read" while Closer is a movie that "depicts real life".


*i feel so tired that i bought stapler without buying staplets.
i feel so tired that i missed my stop while i was standing on the train
i feel so tired that i almost threw my clothes in the bin instead of the washing machine.

i feel so fucking tired.

Every time i think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine
but it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind
There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
While every day my confusion grows
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

Now i know, now i really know.

ever waited for something. that never came? that feeling that start's with a fool's hope, kept alive by rising uncertainty and finally extinguished by utter disbelief and disappoinment?

Yeah, i thought so too.

all that was needed was a single nod, a subtle change in body language, a certain look from the eye. just to confirm that a message was indeed received.

but no.

it is felt that silence is the right way while you stand there waiting for something that'll never come.

but i have one thing to say, Dont ever say things that you dont mean and make promises you cant fucking keep.

this time the joke's on me.

Here's a quick peek at some of the msn nicks that caught my eye:

the way i want you makes me fear you

the worst things are those who linger outside our lives, not coming in, not diappearing.

overworked, underpaid and exhausted

insecured..

when a lie could be dangerous, ignorance is bliss

suicidal tendencies

maybe i'm a winner playing a losing game

dead

loser

official lost of brain

is it me or is the world getting all old and cynical? whatever happened to love, life and everything that is worth fighting for?

Anyway here's one that really did it for me.

lump of tummy

YEAH. go figure.

i hate this self-imposed self-censorship. the only area of expression is facing so much restrictions that at the end of the day, nothing is vented at all. which begs the question, then why have something online where everybody can access to it?

i guess i'm just an attentionseeking whore deep down inside.

somethings never do change do they?

never

The one with Eva Longoria

i remembered watching one of the earlier episode of friends where Rachel and Ross were together. Monica has just broken up with that old doctor (forgot the name) and was sulking her days away. Ross and Rachel were in bed and Rachel grilled Ross about his deepest fantasy. Ross confessed.

It was Princess Leia in her gold bikini.

Subsequently, Pheebs and Mon got to know it and poked fun at Ross's fantasy. Frustrated and confused, Ross confronted Rachel about this. Rachel said of course the girls know because apparently girls share EVERYTHING.

Yes Everything. Even your size and performance.

Anyway, i digress.

So Ross thought that this sharing sisterhood thing was meaningful. he told chandler about it and they agreed to share some deep dark secrets with each other.

"have you ever experienced while you were doing it and everything was going great. but while you're in the heat of things, suddenly the face of your mum appears out of nowhere in your mind and no matter how you try you cant shake off that image?" said chandler (he said something in this sense)

"oh my god!" said Ross and ran out of central perks.

that night, Rachel decided to fulfill Ross's fantasy and came to bed dressed in a gold bikini with the princess leia hairdo. you'd have thought that upon seeing Rachel, Ross would have been overwhelmed with lust.

unfortunately no.

chandler's sick words played on his mind and what he saw wasnt rachel in a gold bikini.

what he saw was his MOM in a gold bikini.

and needless to say, he went to bed traumatised and with a seething rachel beside him.

*aaargh

Things have gone out of hand

i heard from somewhere that we should never post/publish/send stuff that we have just written when we are emotionally charged or unstable. it is believed that we will regret what we say in time to come.

but i say fuck that.

well, i didnt feel any sudden remorse and regret coursing through my veins and assaulting my brain. so i guess it is safe to continue. once in awhile, people will say something that will trigger something so deep inside you that you will go shooting through the roof in fury.

fury. white hot molten anger blinding me with frightening speed. i need to strike out. sometimes all you can do is gawk at the absolute and downright naivety and stupidity at the logic (the lack of it) people possess.

i know attraction cannot be explained in a logical way. but i know downright stubborness and tunnel vision when i see it. the parties involved are more than you can handle. when all is said and done, you will leave a path of destruction in your wake. do you want this to hang over you for the rest of your life?

the apparent nonchalance and ignorance is pissing me off. maybe i am of no right to comment because i cannot really see from your point of view. but to leave them in the dark..

disappointment. utter disappointment. and i'll just leave it at that.

how the hell did all these happen?

and i have the perfect word to describe it all.

fuck.

on a more calmer issue, i know things were done with the best intentions. i dont fault that but i feel there could have been a better way. but what's done is done so lets move on. but please no hanky panky behind my back anymore.

*please

and i understand

i guess it's time for me to return
to the place where it all begun

to the beginning
where reality and fantasy
weaved into one
a place where my past
was nothing but a dream

watching at your half-hearted attempt on humour
the laughter that never quite reached your eyes
you feel so faraway
that i cant reach for you anymore

and i understand

the subtle way
you no longer reach for my hand
and use the shampoo
that i have come to love

and i understand

how you would
look away
when i tried to
wade through the endless abyss
within your eyes

and i understand

why at this moment
you are holding my hand
so tightly it hurts

telling me words
that we once
promised
never to say to
each other

and i understand

the reason why
i am listening close
to every single word
you utter
as if they were your last
because
i know

it will be your last.

and i understand, i understand.


as the first light dawns, it signals the end
to everything.

Spirited Away

one day i would be able to master all the languages in the world and speak like natives. and armed with nothing but a little hope, i would backpack across the world to places that i never dreamed existed. i would sail across the altantic where the vast expanse of water will invoke feelings that i never experienced. and when the sun sets at dusk, the array of colours and breathtaking display across the horizon will assault my senses. as i close my eyes, i can feel and hear the wind against my face, the sensations no written word can explain. a smile plays along my lips and at that moment, freedom is defined. magical

i would travel the world and learn about cultures i never heard of. i will speak with the natives in their own tongue, learn how to do the rain dance and how to make medincine with plants that have yet to be discovered . not because i crave their acceptance but just so because i respect their way of life. i would travel from the sleazy backstreets of amsterdam to the majestic scenery that is new zealand. i will learn to ski at the swiss alps. my footsteps will bring me to the Sacri Monti of Piedmont and Lombardy where a fusion of sheer artistry, skill and a landscape of moutains, lakes and forests, take my breath away. milan will no longer be just a legend but an everlasting memory.

walking along the tagus river of Lisbon, the city is filled with houses whose facades are decked in ceramic tiles. as nighttime descends, the sound of traditional Fado songs are heard across the warmth of homes. cairo will be the next stop, the place where pharoahs once rule and now they reside in majestic and skilled skyscrapers that are called pyramids.

My weary feet will bring me to the land where religions were claimed to be originated. i would visit the dead sea and see if everything floats. i would step foot on Jerusalem, a place so filled with history and legend but at the same time not spared of bloodshed and violence in the battle of 'religious' supremacy.

France will be a stop that i will never miss. if it was possible, i would take as long as it takes to travel the whole of France, from Lille at the north all the way to montpellier at the south coast. i would be sure to be at Marseille, the oldest city of France and immerse myself in the rustic charm of hills and sea. who can forget Paris, the city of romance and untold possibilities? i would attempt to take the stairs up the Eiffel Tower and drink in the wonderful sights that will wash over me. at night, i will watch in dreamy wonder as the guardian of Paris is illuminated with golden beacons of light can be seen from the rooftop. it would be sheer magic. i want to get lost as i walk along the streets of Champ Elysees, walking from avenue to avenue, speechless by the sheer fairytale quality of everything. when i'm tired, i will walk into a coffeeshop by the street and have a latte with croissant and wink at every blue eyed girl that looks my way.

Finally, the time will come when everything has to end. i will find myself a land that is off a cliff and overlooking the sea. sunrise and sunset are nothing but just a brief look away. and when the night comes, the moonlight will illuminate the house making it glow at night.

how unbelievably mythical and magical.

*take me away from all these shit

The calm before the storm

there's so much to say but yet at the same time there's nothing left to say. an obvious contradiction i know. but isnt life itself one huge contradiction?

i am weary of the weight of time.

the process of time has wore away the walls that you can find comfort in. expectations has took away the cool detachment that you so craved for and cherished. they say you dont make enough decisons but when you do make them. they are greeted with scorn and disinterest. people have led you to believe but you dscover everything was just an elaborate lie. a scam to make you sink deeper than you once were.

you thought, you assumed, you even dared to believe and therefore you will suffer.

and now here you are, in the abyss of nothingness. the silence mocking, the darkness complete and the damage total. and you know it's nobody's fault but your own.

i dont feel like going on anymore

滴下的眼泪已停不住了

in the depths of silence, my mind follows the fading light with hopeless abandon. the signs of a broken life engulf me. the silence is deafening, mocking me to the deepest recesses of my soul. i wipe away the telltale emotions that have escaped my eyes. there is just no other way to begin.

I HATE FINANCE

oh and on a lighter note, i think Eva Longoria is FHOT.

resurrected this from one of the previous posts. it still stands true.

some people just pretend they know me so damn well when they dont
some people just pretend they are so damn close to me when they are not
some people are just so misconstrued to think they are so damn close to me and they know me so damn well to even start judging me

but i am telling you

GET REAL and listen.
stop fucking judge me and telling me what to do.
because you wont if you really know me that well as you thought.

we flatter those we hardly know
we please the fleeting guest
and deal full many a thoughless blow
to those who love us best.

It's like being in a state of non-existence. a realm between fantasy and reality. A vacuum. darkness and light at the same time. there's no gravity and i'm floating freely. there's no air but i know i'm breathing. dreams turn into nightmares and nightmares into dreams.

somebody wake me up please.

i'm coughing like a damned bloody pig.
god help me but i cant even sleep well.