"There can be miracles, when you believe."

it is during times like this that the fragility of life hits you squarely in the face. just like that, the illusion of safety is wiped out in the cruelest way possible. it was as if the very fury of god has descended upon the world. lives were extinguished in a matter of minutes. families will never be complete. and think about all the words that these people never had the chance to say.

while people are going through the horrifying process of identifying bodies, some people are thinking of which party to attend. while people are counting bodies, other people will be counting down in the midst of booze and merrymaking. dont get me wrong, i'm all for having a little fun and having a gathering with friends. what i cant stand is those people who seems to be living in their own world and adopt the it-didnt-happen-to-me-so-i-dont-care attitude.

The enormity of the deaths is sobering (it has risen to over 114000). there just isnt a way to correctly describe the mood. on one hand, we all know that we have to move on. on the other, how can we turn a blind eye to all those who are now mourning or still frantically searching for their loved ones? we cant even fathom the hell these people are going through. we have absolutely no right to tell them to move on when there is still something to hold on to.

hold on. no matter how dim that ray of light may be. hold on to it, dont give up till you're proven wrong.

because miracles do happen.

what about you? are there words that are still left unspoken? are u waiting for tomorrow? what are you waiting for? tomorrow might just never come.

i love you
every single one of you

These foolish feelings

i happen to read through the past posts and realised the style of writing have evolved till what it is now. kinda like life isnt it? at the start, you're open about everything. trying to share whatever feelings you have with everyone. as the years go by, you start to realise that sometimes sharing everything is just not the way. some things are best remain secrets. so that view festers day after day and in the end, you choose to hide everything in paragraphs of words that only you alone can decipher. but what the heck, i feel comfortable in this insanity. i dont need to justify myself. but i guess this is going to be the most straightforward post i have ever done because i just dont see anyway to 'dramatise' it so to speak. and more importantly, this is actually meant for people to understand.

anyway, i digress.

Onward..

i think it's too late for any apologies now dont you think? there's nothing to forgive anymore. we all learn, one way or another. we are stronger now arent we? i have learnt never to be clingy and needy so that nobody else can fuck me up that badly anymore. so much so that clingy and needy people gives me the goosebumps now. we have all moved on. but looking at where you had moved on to and the drastic changes in you really tears me up. where have the sass and arrogance disappeared to? i hear words from you that i never thought i would hear. it freaks me out.

people say that the most depressing words for both the written and spoken is 'what could have been' and i'm inclined to agree. i cant help but look back on what could have been if you are who you are now. i realised that it wouldnt have worked out either. where is the person that used to drive me up the wall? i fell for the sass. i fell for the arrogance. i fell for the nonchalance. not the you i have trouble accepting now. have all of these disappeared? i really hope not. bring them back, it's somewhere inside you. give it time, you'll be able to move on.

move on, so that i can continue moving on too.

*all too familiar funny feelings are festering once again. it's amazing how you can still fuck me up after all these years.

was watching a shania twain (i've almost forgotten how sexy she is) dvd when the backstreet boys appeared as guest performers. suddenly i realised that i was quite a boy band fan back in those secondary school days. i know i know, some of the boy bands were real cheesy and cant really hold a tune. 5ive anybody? but there were bands that were real good. boyz 2 men, take that, westlife, n'sync and of course the backstreet boys just to name a few.

although brian is the one who have the best vocals among them, i used to like kevin. cuz i think he's handsome and cool. you know when a girl says a guy is cute it means one thing but when a guy says another guy is cute...

go figure.

moving on, i thought about the songs i liked from every boyband and surprisingly the list just grows on and on. Here are some of them:

take that - back for good
boyz 2 men - 4 seasons of loneliness
the moffatts - misery
hanson - i will come to you
another level - from the heart
n'sync - tearing up my heart
westlife - if your heart's not in it
savage garden (not a boyband but still) - moon and back
human nature - cruel
A1 - everytime
98 degrees - I do

and finally my most favouritest of all from the Backstreet Boys (who else duh?)

All I Have To Give

I don't know what he does to make you cry
But I'll be there to make you smile
I don't have a fancy car
To get to you I'd walk a thousand miles
I don't care if he buys you nice things
Does his gifts come from the heart?
I don't know
But if you were my girl
I'd make it so we'd never be apart

[Chorus:]
But my love is all I have to give
Without you I don't think I could live
I wish I could give the world to you
But love is all I have to give
When you talk does it seem like he's not
Even listening to a word you say?
That's okay babe, just tell me your problems
I'll try my best to kiss them all away
Does he leave (does he leave) when you need him the most?
Does his friends get all your time?
Baby pleaseI'm on my knees
Praying for the day that you'll be mine

[Bridge:]
hey girl, I don't want you to cry no more inside
All the money in the world could never add up to all the loveI have inside...
I love you
And I will give it to you
All I can give, all I can give
Everything I have is for you
But love is all I have to give

[Chorus (3x)]

i remember
a long time ago
you and me
at the crossroads
eyes locked
unspoken words linger
achingly
in the air

one deep breath
and i'm gone
walking down the road
that is so different
from yours

now
your distress
haunt me
and i falter

your tears
they touch me
and i feel myself
going back
to the place
where we've swore
never to visit
ever again

i see cracks
in you
at places
that never
existed before

cracks
that never
should
have been there

what happened
to the person
i used to
know?

what happened
to the person
i have come
to miss?

wipe away
the tears
so that
my footsteps can
be steady again

be back
who you were
so that
i can walk away

if not for
anything else
then do it
for me

for me
because you owe me that

*wish i could be, every little thing you wanted..

A: i know you love me. i can sense these things.
B: I dont love you, i need you. Lols
A:...

The games that people play

It is fascinating to see us constantly and willingly subject ourselves to emotional vulnerabilty. we degrade ourselves to the point where a single word can send us to the dizzying heights of heaven or bring us crashing thorugh the abyss of hell. we know this but do we really comprehend it? we are granting another person direct access to the depths of our soul. with nothing but just a look, they dictate our emotions and manipulate our feelings according to their whim and fancy. we have literally sold our souls to them.

If you're with me give me a silent nod here.

but for what? just so we can be stuck in relationships we refuse to get out because we have invested too much in it? or do whatever to please the person you have the hots for and be the perfect wussy? or continuing to pine for someone when you know damn well you should just move on? so once again, for what?

isnt it high time we learn to reconginse the signs and cut our losses before everything gets out of hand?

afterall, its a game we all play.

i have always found the process of parenthood mentally intimidating. the babies and toddlers are fine. they are adorable and easy to handle even if it means having to change the diapers and wake up in the middle of the night. it is what happens after that stage which is terrifying. when they start to learn how to lie and hide stuff. then you have to constantly outhink, outfox and outmaneuver them. i know what they do are elementary stuff cuz we all have been there and done that. but sometimes dont u wish that we could just install the basic disciplines into their brain to save us all the anguish? then they'll do their homework without you having to sit beside them. you dont have to watch for body language if you suspect them of lying. if all these features are in place, wont parenting be a breeze?

sometimes we focus too much on the big picture and lose interest on the little things. sometimes, it's the little details that mean more. it might be anything from that little sigh, the fleeting glance or that one little word. and when you make someone's day because you paid more attention. that feeling is beyond explanation.

It's priceless.

*we dance for laughter, we dance for tears. we dance for madness, we dance for fears. we dance for hope, we dance for screams. we are the dancers, we create the dreams.

One more try

Why weren't we able
To see the signs that we missed
And try to turn the tables?
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Lets rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a hollywood horror

*how the hell did it end up like this?

"dont change for the sake of changing, change because you really want to."

Allow me to be frank

finally, i have reached the conclusion that as people get older, their ability to tolerate their own personal embarassment increases. in other words, they have became so thick skin that nothing embarasses them. before this conclusion, i used to be in conflict with myself. i mean arent adults supposed to be the epitome of graciousness and courtesy so that the younger generation (ie. me) can learn from thier exemplary behaviour? yeah right.

but no. graciousness and even basic common sense do not exist in the dictionaries of adults aka aunties. i was as usual standing in front of the door waiting for the train. when it arrived, i stepped aside for the alighting the passengers. but surprise surprise! the two aunties behind moved to stand in front of the door when i steppd aside. i mean they must have balls made of brass (i know i know, they are aunties but still) to be able to do that and not be embarrassed. everybody was looking at them and they have the gall to nonchalantly continue talking. i was staring at one of them. hell i was glaring at her. i mean if eyes could kill, they would've been dead 10 times over. i mean gimme a break, if you were there first, of course you can stand in front. but bloody hell, you were the last ones and you bloody damn well understand the word 'Queue'! i could have strangled them. old adults these days. what a big DISGRACE.

oh well, on a lighter note i walked past Hooters today. and oh boy.. thats all i have to say. i know i said its not always about the Ts & the As. but well..

sometimes its all abt the Ts & As.

"how can i find peace when you keep coming back? stop playing this game of see-saw with my heart."

sometimes you just have no idea..

or do you?

all alone
in the
deafening
silence
of my room

but in a memory
i hear you calling
whispering
tender promises
that make me
dream
of you

i close my eyes
and
i'm there
with you
like it was
just yesterday
but then
it all fades
away

take me back
turn back
the hands of
time

to
the time
when you
kissed
me
in the
warm september
rain

back before
my heart
was filled with
this pain

if only
we could be
in love
that way
again


if only

the feeling of old wounds being cut open again is beyond any description. every word sears through the skin, leaving a path of destruction in its wake and finally reducing the very soul to a pile of rubble. like a nightmare that just wont go away, the words have carved themselves perfectly onto the skin. you make me sink down to this abyss of insanity where i'm vulnerable to the slightest provocation and goading.

for reasons beyond me, i have ran out of words and cant continue. but here is little piece of nothing that best sums up everything.


I cant believe how fucked up life really is.


it never rains, it pours. everytime, every single time

I walk a lonely road
The only one I that have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But its home and I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
in a place where the city sleeps
and most would fade away

It's my thoughts of you that stayed
there is no place to go to
if i lost this view

without you

i am
trying to
walk away
from this place
where every word
speaks your name

the words
they burn like poison
scalding me
till the deepest ends
of my mind

we are
trapped
unknowingly, involuntarily
in this
beautiful charade
that we
continue
to play
both refusing
to acknowledge
to feel
to see
of what lies beneath
of the truth

i am
trying but
it is
not that
easy
you
are not
making it
easy

"you had me at hello."

life is such a fucking big joke. so full of goddamned twists and turns that every single blow hit you dead at the centre. before you can even go reeling from that impact, reality decides to drop by and deliver the coup de grace. you are suffocating and drowning in this sea of confusion. problems never cease and misery take centre stage. what you really do not need now is some moronic and irritating individual to get on your nerves . basically, life is just a dainty piece of shit now. or rather you are the piece of shit.

hold me for awhile
just for a moment
please

The end

in the midst of smiles and laughter
i fade slowly into oblivion
deeper i go
into the realms unknown
the water is rising
and salvation beckons
higher, i shouted
as water and darkness engulfed me
take me, i begged
take me and end this beautiful charade forever
i cant take it anymore

"whoever said that there are plenty of fish in the sea was lying, sometimes there's only one fish. trust me."

*everytime, every single damned time.

Farewell
I knew that this moment
would come in time
That I'd have to let go
and watch you fly
I know you're coming back
so why am I dying inside
Are you searching for words
that you can't find
Trying to hide your emotions
but eyes don't lie
Guess there's just
no easy way to say goodbye.

"But for now, let me say. without hope or agenda. That to me you are perfect. and my wasted heart will love you.."

my tolerance hangs by a thread. i have no idea why is this happening. being made the butt of jokes is totally fine with me, even calling names. but there is a point when i feel that it has all become degrading and irritating. maybe it is your version of a joke or what but i seem to remember that i have never, never sold you out, hurt you or anything of that sort. by now shouldn't you realise that there is only so much i can take? it has come to a point when i feel all of it was made as a personal attack. i may be wrong, but i dont know what to expect now. what happened to before? i know things have changed but i did not. have you? because it wasnt like this. being made the butt of jokes is one thing, being degraded is another thing altogether. it may actually be a joke and i'm just not sporting enough. maybe. but everyone has their limit. and for me, you of all people should know, the limit is here.

being ambitious is one thing. being overly unreasonale is another.

I am deserted.
I am the desolate.
I am boxed by your starkness.
I am dysfunctional.
I am deluded.
I am dying inside.
Please stop your hurting me.
Please stop your hating me.
Please stop observing me.

"Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes."