Cold. They say i dun mix much. They say i give one-worded replies. They say i tend to fade to the background. They feel that they can only know what's on the surface of me. I dun deny all these charges. I'm not good at starting conversations. Hell, i'm not good at starting anything. I just have these phobia of taking the initiative on anything and everything. This phobia is somehow ingrained in all my actions. Wats wrong in fading into the background? i am not that kind of person that thrives in entertaining people. It is my choice. I like anonymity. So shoot me.

Distant. They say i am unfeeling. They see me with the same facial expression day in and day out. They say they cant decipher wat i am feeling from my face. You ignorant fools, my expression is trained. I will not let anyone have the pleasure to know that a single word from them can make me shatter with sorrow or howl with fury. No one, i mean absolutely no one will see me break down in front of them. they say i will never understand what they feel about me. How can i understand when you never ever gave me the chance? What's the use of understanding when i have reached a point when i expect evil to lurk just around the corner when i encounter new hope and beginnings? All good things will come to an end, sooner rather than later. Why this mindset? you ask. So that i can remain intact when the evil eventually rears its ugly head. In time, i have realised that its better to detach yourself than to be hurt. Well, thats just me. Maybe i was born like that or perhaps i am just like that. If you have a negative comments and loathe me. Then go find yourself another blog to read. And shove your negative comments whoever you are. I am not asking.

Dear blog,
first and foremost, merry christmas to all visitors, fwens and well-wishers. They mean alot, although there is nothing merry about this christmas. I have been slogging my ass off for the past 2 weeks without any off days. My shoulders are aching, my back is hurting and basically my whole body is breaking apart and to add insult to injury. I realized that i do not have a freaking social life. My life is work,eat and sleep. That's all.

On our way home, shafik and i saw a middle-aged couple along clarke quay. There and then i made a damning conclusion about our lives, "wakauz, even uncle and aunty celebrate christmas but we are going home to sleep. Freaking no life!". He affirmed my conclusion with an equally damning nod of his head. Haiz, my social life is non-existent.

Well, i guess its useless to lament anymore. 1 more week to endure before this purgatory ends. Merry christmas to all!


"I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry."

"I Survived You"

I see the picture clear now, and the fog has lifted.
The wool you tried to pull over my eyes was clever.
Yeah you're gifted.
But you forgot to dot some I's, and cross some T's along the way.
I'm better now despite you baby.
I'm stronger these days.
Stronger.

[Chorus:]
I survived the crash.
Survived the burn.
Survived the worst, yeah baby, but I learned.
Survived the lies.
Survived the blues.
Almost killed me, but I survived the truth.
And when you wrote me off like I was doomed.
I survived you.

I can look in the mirror now.
It's been a slow awakening.
Haunted by a heart full of you, couldn't help mistaking.
That you could ever care for anyone.
Anyone but yourself. Hey.
But you would have to have a conscience baby.
Good luck I wish you well.

[Chorus]
I survived the crash.
Survived the burn.
Survived the worst, yeah baby, but I learned.
Survived the lies.
Survived the blues.
Almost killed me, but I survived the truth.
And when you wrote me off like I was doomed.
I survived you.

This heart has been torn in two.
Cut and bruised.
With too many bitter endings.
I'll be damned if I have thoughts of you
Rain on my new beginning.

[Chorus]
I survived the crash.
Survived the burn.
Survived the worst, yeah baby, but I learned.
Survived the lies.
Survived the blues.
Almost killed me, but I survived the truth.
And when you wrote me off like I was doomed.

I survived the crash.
Survived the burn.
Survived the worst, yeah baby, but I learned.
Survived the lies.
Survived the blues.
Almost killed me, but I survived the truth.
And when you wrote me off like I was doomed.
I survived YOU.


Dedicated to all heartbreakers out there. Thank you for the tears and heartbreaks.

Dear blog,
there seems to be quite a debate a what truly is love. So here is my two cents worth.

Since the beginning of time, the meaning of love has encountered numerous contradictions. Some say that "love sees all", whereas some say "love is blind". Some believe that the path of love is full of adventure and you eventually end up "happily ever after". Others feel that the path of love is a journey they would rather shun away. They say that the journey will shatter your very soul, and even if you manage to remain intact throughout the journey, the disappoontment of realising that there is nothing called love at the end of the journey will kill you. Some say that you learn from your previous lessons. You get wiser, more mature and more careful the next time around. However, i beg to differ. It's in fact because that you get wiser and more mature thats why you would think twice before dabbling into this game of love. Because in the game of love, the stakes are high and there are no winners, only losers. I cringe when i hear dedications of naive people on the radio proclaiming their undying love for each other. I mean can anyone stand up and say that they truly love someone? Love is such a great emotion beyond anyone's comprehension and grasp. Do people know what they are saying when they say " I Love You"? Or has this phrase been used so many times that the true significance is gone? I feel love is something unreachable and distant. Maybe even fictitious. I look forward to the day when someone can really tell me what it is like to truly love someone. But then again, the existence of love is very much in question...

I believe that in order to feel hurt, there should be feelings involved. So, how can i hurt you when there is no feelings involved from you?..no offence. Just an honest observation.


"Every few nights or so you pop into my dreams, I just can't get rid of you like you got rid of me."

Dear blog,
somebody..anybody..please save me from this godforsaken place. I do not think I can continue this ardous journey of boredom any longer. For those who have no idea what I am rambling about, I am currently trapped at our always neighbourly neighbour state, our dear malaysia. To be specific their goddamned capital, Kuala Lumpur! For those who say that I MIA please understand the situation I am facing here. Internet connections are not taken for granted in this wonderful country, I have to walk(ok, my dad drove me) some distance before I can find a cafe that provides Internet connections. So, here I am sitting in unfamiliar territory and secretly blogging..Nothing of interest happen though, got trapped in a hellhole mostly..Period..

Will be back in a few days, I really hope I can pull through. Finally, can someone please save me?


"I'm fighting back emotions that I've never fought before, cuz I'm not supposed to love you anymore.."

Dear blog,
sleep seems to elude me at this godforsaken hour. Don't ask me why. There is no why. Have you ever experienced the overwhelming surge of emotion that try as you may, you can't really describe what is that feeling? Is it wisfulness? Are you looking back on those eternal memories and thinking about the "what ifs?". Are you missing someone even though you are not even sure who that person is? Or is this melancholy that you are going through? Have you fallen into this deep abyss of sorrow that you cant get yourself out from? Qustions, qustions and more questions. But sometimes I rather some things to be left unsaid. Maybe, just maybe you are feeling this way because your shoulder is aching, your hip is giving you problems and your head is pounding. Perhaps, just perhaps like me, all you need is sleep...


'My reasons of sorrow are beyond your comprehension, because you never did realise you were the one who broke my heart."

How is it now that you have moved on?
Do you still think of me now when I'm gone?
I think of you and I just wonder..
Where you are and what thoughts are racing through your mind?
Its so simple to say " I Love You"
But sometimes its just not enough.
So, I hope to find my sunrise
at the end of these few words.
Who are you holding now?
I really hope you are happy now.
And someday maybe i will be..


" How I wish I could freeze this moment in time and make you forever mine.."