you are exhausted. mentally, physically, psychologically and emotionally. you feel drained and lifeless after everythng but there is still a long winding way to go. you want to recharge or rather you need to recharge your batteries. you search for the place to close your eyes and sink yourself into the dreamy bliss of oblivion. everywhere you turn, you realise that dangers still lurk in the shadows. every minute you waste, you feel that the essence of your life is slowly slipping away from your already weak grasp. as you watch while your life essence painfully ebbs away and imminent shadows closing onto you, all that you are allowed to do is to keep moving. there is no respite for you. when you feel numb with darkness clouding your vision, only then do you stop. only then do you lose yourself into oblivion..eternally.

for some rhyme or reasons unknown, you felt that you have been taken for granted, used beyond the point of imagination. you feel like a hotel, approached when the person feels in the mood and brushed off when the person feels like it for reasons only he or she knows. people around may not notice but you do, you are finely attuned to body languages, you know when you are given the cold shoulder. one action, one movement is all that is needed to confirm your deepest fear. you may have been overreacting, but you know that there are some underlying currents that you can feel all too well. in the end you are left puzzled with a strange feeling festering in your heart. you don't deserve this. nobody should deserve this. people whom you care about should not treat you this way. you rack your brains to explain that behaviour but realise that all you could think of are superficial reasons(at least to you) that are so trivial that people will mock and laugh when they get to know about it. when one is unhappy about the other, they should voice out their feelings and not act as if there's nothing wrong but still shut the door in your face with their body language. you hate emotional baggages but sadly everybody has their own baggage to carry. all you hope now is slam 20 shots of anything and fade into oblivion.

then again, you may have been overreacting. oh, you really wish that you are overreacting.

"Sometimes the people whom you thought you knew, start becoming the strangers you never wanted."

sometimes i just do not understand. is the one that got away from you the one you would always yearn for? maybe you regretted all the things you never said, never did. maybe you think that you did not try hard enough. but is it worth to keep pining for a lost cause? some things are always better left unsaid and they too are better left undone.

DAMN FREAKING STATISTICS

demoralising, ego-bashing, headache-inducing, depressing, confident-sapping, mental exhausting...the list goes on. I give up.

it has been some time since i have chatted at length with the old friends (ok, part of the fault is mine). really glad that nothing really changed since then. had a nice little chat with miss tan (i just cant call u wendy) and yes that hasn't change too. always felt comfortable chatting with her although it has been ages since i last did that, maybe it's because we both are cynics! thanx for hearing and stuff. anyway, my deepest gratitude to all the people whom i call friends, you know who you are.


Different levels of hangovers:

1.One Star Hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap, which has given you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries.


2.Two Star Hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.


3.Three Star Hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball hero watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke, yet you haven't peed once.


4.Four Star Hangover
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Grover Cleveland HS, class of '84.


5.Five Star Hangover
AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell."
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the shit fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your otherwise empty house.


6.Six Star Hangover
Otherwise known as the "Infinite Nut smacker"
You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow managed to get up before you. You try to lift your head. Not an option. Then you inadvertently turn your head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair. Suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights... some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" faintly atop your forehead... the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.

try to stay away from level 6, its no joke.

A day which celebrates the union of couples but makes a mockery out of singlehood.

strange isn't it? the way you would overestimate yourself sometimes. you give a nonchalent shrug when people ask you about it. and if they are lucky, you may even add in the odd smile while you shrugged. so much so that you begin to believe in this hype that you would be immune. but guess what, you are not that great after all. all it took was a little catalyst to kick start the this whole melodrama. when the feeling took hold of you,i guess it really did surprise you. maybe because you really thought you can still be unaffected when the day of reckoning arrived. when reality comes crashing down on you, you are too shocked too cope as this whole emotion consumes and engulfs you. you are trapped, lika a fly in a spider web. you are disgusted to feel this way, but you cant deny that it has taken control over you. unsuspecting people who thought you are able to cope then proceeds to give you comments that sent you deeper into this deep abyss of misery and reality so finally you realised that you are so screwed but there's nobody to blame but yourself. you are supposed to be unaffected. Now you have this unspeakable, melancholic and enigmatic sense of solitary loneliness. may god help you.

there are some points in life when one just wants to unload everything here. write what your heart tells you, write what you are really feeling. are you currently dainty? on the wings of love? nervous? looking forward to something? on top of the world? down? exhausted? stressed? worried? on rocky grounds? having an unexplainable gnawing in your heart that keeps you awake at night?. Do you ever want to describe the extend of your joys or unleash the full retribuition of your wrath? but when you stare at the screen and start typing, do you stall? is something stopping you? are there any inhibitions that you never realised initially?

ironic isn't it? its suppose to be your virtual hideout where close friends can enter and share some of your joy(or depression) and now you have to think how to write stuff so that it appears more mellow. but just because they are your friends dont necessary mean that they have to read about your enigmatic feelings. just because of a word, a look, an action, a brush off or a sentence from someone out there doesnt mean they have to read about it. for all you know, the problem might be yourself and watever you are feeling is just an overreaction and has no basis at all. so in the end maybe you decide to hide the true essence in huge chunks of words that nobody but you understands. but it is just as well, because you can never be too sure who reads this. those who are confused will just have to ask you, but then again..who do you think you are to deserve so much attention?

Amin an ten' lle.

i would have sat beside you while you unleash your frustrations.
i would have sat beside you while you lament on the world.
i would have followed you to brave the icy shadows of despair.
i would been there with you to face the unforgiving cruelty of helplessness.
i would have been there with you as shivers racked thru us under the chill of loneliness.
i would have gone with you till the very ends of the earth.
i would have travelled till the deepest ends of hell in exchange for your smile.
i would have...if i could.
i would have..if you want me to.

mood is a strange and weird thing. one minute you feel fine and dainty and on top of the world, the next minute you suddenly feel that the world ain't such a perfect place after all. perhaps the most frustrating aspect is that you cant really put a finger on why moods change. is it something other people said, did? are you affected by their actions and feelings? sometimes you try too hard to figure who has caused you to have a swing in mood. You never did realise that the problem may actually lie on nobody else but you.