Salvation
I've seen you hanging round
This darkness where I'm bound
And this black hole I've dug for me
And silently within
With hands touching skin
The shock breaks my disease
And I can breathe

Your faith like the pain
Draws me in again
She washes all my wounds for me
The darkness in my veins
I never could explain
And I wonder if you ever see
Will you still believe?

"you think you know but you don't, so don't."

there are so many things to say that can never be said.

"everytime i ask if this would be the last."

is it a cruel twist of fate or did the cold hard reality just hit me squarely in the face? Pandora's box should never be opened. Hope? it diminishes with every word you utter and finally evaporates with a fatal stab through the very core of the heart.

"stop whining dammit, stop freaking whining."

life is such a funny place to be living in. the winds of change sweep through you unexpectedly and most of the times, the result is fatal. one moment you may feel on the top of the world, ecstatic beyond words. the next second, the wind that swept you off your feet will bring you crashing through the abyss of reality, broken beyond words. it doesnt take a lot. a word, a look, an action or even a slight twitch in the eye will awaken you from your dreams of laughable fantasies and make-believe. sometimes there is so much to say that there isnt a right way to begin. you see so many things but there are things you would rather not know. you keep silent because in silence you feel safe. sometimes you sound like a weakling, somedays you feel like one. you go on lamenting about the atrocities of life. you rant and rave about everything under the sun. people are getting pissed and tired of you dishing out thrash to them day in day out. they hope that you'd just keep your silence and just nod and smile when you see them. your words mean zilch to them. tough luck if you need to talk. buy a pet, it might hear you out. stop pestering people around you with your endless chatter. wake up and smell the roses, because the world wont stop for your grief.

you were long past the caring stage. the antics that he engages himself into no longer interests you. you no longer care if he arrives home late, too late for comfort. you no longer give a damn if he comes home reeking of perfume. you no longer care if he says he have to take suspicious sudden business trips abroad. you dont even bat an eyelid when he leaves home early in the morning for no rhyme or reason.. but for goodness sake cant he be a little more discreet? cant he even tell a lie properly? why tell a stupid lie when even a freaking fool can see through it without much thinking? hasnt he realise the potency of a woman's sixth sense by now? how stupid can one get? hasnt he done it enough times to learn and not get discovered? cant he come up with something more believable? you no longer give a shit about his actions. the fact that he doesnt think he is wrong does not bother you anymore. he has long lost your respect. but it's not about you this time. other people will get hurt if everything comes out in the open. you dont want them to go through this. you dont believe they can. but there is absolutely nothing you can do. he continues to do things that he thinks he can get away with when we know of it but choose to keep our silence. you know there might be a day when all hell will break loose. you will be powerless to do anything. and when the day comes that history repeats itself there is no more you can do than blame yourself.

"If you didn't make me stay, I wouldn't have to put up with all these."

I'm sorry

manipulating words to fit your purposes have never been a difficulty, at times it was seen more as a challenge than an obstacle. but lately, words seem to be failing you. in the past where you can seemingly conjure up a thunderstorm with a single word to now, where even making your feelings known seem to take eternity. with your only avenue of redemption wiped out, you have no other choice but to withdraw deeper, smiling and nodding as you waste your life away. their eyes linger on your face, wondering, searching, hurting. but you look away, you know better now. thier beguling faces make your heart skip a beat and you call for restrain. no, you are not going down there anymore. you have been down many times. too many times. but as you struggle for calm, that sickening voice whispers again. "maybe, just maybe this time it would be fine."

and the cycle continues.

for reasons better kept silent i am fucking royally pissed. maybe it is the time of the night, maybe it is the accumulation of everything. but really, i dont really fucking care about that right now. all i know is that i am pissed. like something inside just snapped, break, game over, thats it. everything's so fucked up now

fuck

everything is piling up. five weeks into it but you feel that you have been trapped here for a lifetime and still counting. you are fast drowning under this sea of plain insanity and you would think that you would concentrate on the task at hand, that is to stay alive. but no, at these crucial moments you have to start thinking about mundane stuffs that is slowly draining what little strength you have left. maybe you should just let the current sweep you away.

no, it's not okay. everything's not okay.