"There can be miracles, when you believe."

it is during times like this that the fragility of life hits you squarely in the face. just like that, the illusion of safety is wiped out in the cruelest way possible. it was as if the very fury of god has descended upon the world. lives were extinguished in a matter of minutes. families will never be complete. and think about all the words that these people never had the chance to say.

while people are going through the horrifying process of identifying bodies, some people are thinking of which party to attend. while people are counting bodies, other people will be counting down in the midst of booze and merrymaking. dont get me wrong, i'm all for having a little fun and having a gathering with friends. what i cant stand is those people who seems to be living in their own world and adopt the it-didnt-happen-to-me-so-i-dont-care attitude.

The enormity of the deaths is sobering (it has risen to over 114000). there just isnt a way to correctly describe the mood. on one hand, we all know that we have to move on. on the other, how can we turn a blind eye to all those who are now mourning or still frantically searching for their loved ones? we cant even fathom the hell these people are going through. we have absolutely no right to tell them to move on when there is still something to hold on to.

hold on. no matter how dim that ray of light may be. hold on to it, dont give up till you're proven wrong.

because miracles do happen.

what about you? are there words that are still left unspoken? are u waiting for tomorrow? what are you waiting for? tomorrow might just never come.

i love you
every single one of you

These foolish feelings

i happen to read through the past posts and realised the style of writing have evolved till what it is now. kinda like life isnt it? at the start, you're open about everything. trying to share whatever feelings you have with everyone. as the years go by, you start to realise that sometimes sharing everything is just not the way. some things are best remain secrets. so that view festers day after day and in the end, you choose to hide everything in paragraphs of words that only you alone can decipher. but what the heck, i feel comfortable in this insanity. i dont need to justify myself. but i guess this is going to be the most straightforward post i have ever done because i just dont see anyway to 'dramatise' it so to speak. and more importantly, this is actually meant for people to understand.

anyway, i digress.

Onward..

i think it's too late for any apologies now dont you think? there's nothing to forgive anymore. we all learn, one way or another. we are stronger now arent we? i have learnt never to be clingy and needy so that nobody else can fuck me up that badly anymore. so much so that clingy and needy people gives me the goosebumps now. we have all moved on. but looking at where you had moved on to and the drastic changes in you really tears me up. where have the sass and arrogance disappeared to? i hear words from you that i never thought i would hear. it freaks me out.

people say that the most depressing words for both the written and spoken is 'what could have been' and i'm inclined to agree. i cant help but look back on what could have been if you are who you are now. i realised that it wouldnt have worked out either. where is the person that used to drive me up the wall? i fell for the sass. i fell for the arrogance. i fell for the nonchalance. not the you i have trouble accepting now. have all of these disappeared? i really hope not. bring them back, it's somewhere inside you. give it time, you'll be able to move on.

move on, so that i can continue moving on too.

*all too familiar funny feelings are festering once again. it's amazing how you can still fuck me up after all these years.

was watching a shania twain (i've almost forgotten how sexy she is) dvd when the backstreet boys appeared as guest performers. suddenly i realised that i was quite a boy band fan back in those secondary school days. i know i know, some of the boy bands were real cheesy and cant really hold a tune. 5ive anybody? but there were bands that were real good. boyz 2 men, take that, westlife, n'sync and of course the backstreet boys just to name a few.

although brian is the one who have the best vocals among them, i used to like kevin. cuz i think he's handsome and cool. you know when a girl says a guy is cute it means one thing but when a guy says another guy is cute...

go figure.

moving on, i thought about the songs i liked from every boyband and surprisingly the list just grows on and on. Here are some of them:

take that - back for good
boyz 2 men - 4 seasons of loneliness
the moffatts - misery
hanson - i will come to you
another level - from the heart
n'sync - tearing up my heart
westlife - if your heart's not in it
savage garden (not a boyband but still) - moon and back
human nature - cruel
A1 - everytime
98 degrees - I do

and finally my most favouritest of all from the Backstreet Boys (who else duh?)

All I Have To Give

I don't know what he does to make you cry
But I'll be there to make you smile
I don't have a fancy car
To get to you I'd walk a thousand miles
I don't care if he buys you nice things
Does his gifts come from the heart?
I don't know
But if you were my girl
I'd make it so we'd never be apart

[Chorus:]
But my love is all I have to give
Without you I don't think I could live
I wish I could give the world to you
But love is all I have to give
When you talk does it seem like he's not
Even listening to a word you say?
That's okay babe, just tell me your problems
I'll try my best to kiss them all away
Does he leave (does he leave) when you need him the most?
Does his friends get all your time?
Baby pleaseI'm on my knees
Praying for the day that you'll be mine

[Bridge:]
hey girl, I don't want you to cry no more inside
All the money in the world could never add up to all the loveI have inside...
I love you
And I will give it to you
All I can give, all I can give
Everything I have is for you
But love is all I have to give

[Chorus (3x)]

i remember
a long time ago
you and me
at the crossroads
eyes locked
unspoken words linger
achingly
in the air

one deep breath
and i'm gone
walking down the road
that is so different
from yours

now
your distress
haunt me
and i falter

your tears
they touch me
and i feel myself
going back
to the place
where we've swore
never to visit
ever again

i see cracks
in you
at places
that never
existed before

cracks
that never
should
have been there

what happened
to the person
i used to
know?

what happened
to the person
i have come
to miss?

wipe away
the tears
so that
my footsteps can
be steady again

be back
who you were
so that
i can walk away

if not for
anything else
then do it
for me

for me
because you owe me that

*wish i could be, every little thing you wanted..

A: i know you love me. i can sense these things.
B: I dont love you, i need you. Lols
A:...

The games that people play

It is fascinating to see us constantly and willingly subject ourselves to emotional vulnerabilty. we degrade ourselves to the point where a single word can send us to the dizzying heights of heaven or bring us crashing thorugh the abyss of hell. we know this but do we really comprehend it? we are granting another person direct access to the depths of our soul. with nothing but just a look, they dictate our emotions and manipulate our feelings according to their whim and fancy. we have literally sold our souls to them.

If you're with me give me a silent nod here.

but for what? just so we can be stuck in relationships we refuse to get out because we have invested too much in it? or do whatever to please the person you have the hots for and be the perfect wussy? or continuing to pine for someone when you know damn well you should just move on? so once again, for what?

isnt it high time we learn to reconginse the signs and cut our losses before everything gets out of hand?

afterall, its a game we all play.

i have always found the process of parenthood mentally intimidating. the babies and toddlers are fine. they are adorable and easy to handle even if it means having to change the diapers and wake up in the middle of the night. it is what happens after that stage which is terrifying. when they start to learn how to lie and hide stuff. then you have to constantly outhink, outfox and outmaneuver them. i know what they do are elementary stuff cuz we all have been there and done that. but sometimes dont u wish that we could just install the basic disciplines into their brain to save us all the anguish? then they'll do their homework without you having to sit beside them. you dont have to watch for body language if you suspect them of lying. if all these features are in place, wont parenting be a breeze?

sometimes we focus too much on the big picture and lose interest on the little things. sometimes, it's the little details that mean more. it might be anything from that little sigh, the fleeting glance or that one little word. and when you make someone's day because you paid more attention. that feeling is beyond explanation.

It's priceless.

*we dance for laughter, we dance for tears. we dance for madness, we dance for fears. we dance for hope, we dance for screams. we are the dancers, we create the dreams.

One more try

Why weren't we able
To see the signs that we missed
And try to turn the tables?
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Lets rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a hollywood horror

*how the hell did it end up like this?

"dont change for the sake of changing, change because you really want to."

Allow me to be frank

finally, i have reached the conclusion that as people get older, their ability to tolerate their own personal embarassment increases. in other words, they have became so thick skin that nothing embarasses them. before this conclusion, i used to be in conflict with myself. i mean arent adults supposed to be the epitome of graciousness and courtesy so that the younger generation (ie. me) can learn from thier exemplary behaviour? yeah right.

but no. graciousness and even basic common sense do not exist in the dictionaries of adults aka aunties. i was as usual standing in front of the door waiting for the train. when it arrived, i stepped aside for the alighting the passengers. but surprise surprise! the two aunties behind moved to stand in front of the door when i steppd aside. i mean they must have balls made of brass (i know i know, they are aunties but still) to be able to do that and not be embarrassed. everybody was looking at them and they have the gall to nonchalantly continue talking. i was staring at one of them. hell i was glaring at her. i mean if eyes could kill, they would've been dead 10 times over. i mean gimme a break, if you were there first, of course you can stand in front. but bloody hell, you were the last ones and you bloody damn well understand the word 'Queue'! i could have strangled them. old adults these days. what a big DISGRACE.

oh well, on a lighter note i walked past Hooters today. and oh boy.. thats all i have to say. i know i said its not always about the Ts & the As. but well..

sometimes its all abt the Ts & As.

"how can i find peace when you keep coming back? stop playing this game of see-saw with my heart."

sometimes you just have no idea..

or do you?

all alone
in the
deafening
silence
of my room

but in a memory
i hear you calling
whispering
tender promises
that make me
dream
of you

i close my eyes
and
i'm there
with you
like it was
just yesterday
but then
it all fades
away

take me back
turn back
the hands of
time

to
the time
when you
kissed
me
in the
warm september
rain

back before
my heart
was filled with
this pain

if only
we could be
in love
that way
again


if only

the feeling of old wounds being cut open again is beyond any description. every word sears through the skin, leaving a path of destruction in its wake and finally reducing the very soul to a pile of rubble. like a nightmare that just wont go away, the words have carved themselves perfectly onto the skin. you make me sink down to this abyss of insanity where i'm vulnerable to the slightest provocation and goading.

for reasons beyond me, i have ran out of words and cant continue. but here is little piece of nothing that best sums up everything.


I cant believe how fucked up life really is.


it never rains, it pours. everytime, every single time

I walk a lonely road
The only one I that have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But its home and I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
in a place where the city sleeps
and most would fade away

It's my thoughts of you that stayed
there is no place to go to
if i lost this view

without you

i am
trying to
walk away
from this place
where every word
speaks your name

the words
they burn like poison
scalding me
till the deepest ends
of my mind

we are
trapped
unknowingly, involuntarily
in this
beautiful charade
that we
continue
to play
both refusing
to acknowledge
to feel
to see
of what lies beneath
of the truth

i am
trying but
it is
not that
easy
you
are not
making it
easy

"you had me at hello."

life is such a fucking big joke. so full of goddamned twists and turns that every single blow hit you dead at the centre. before you can even go reeling from that impact, reality decides to drop by and deliver the coup de grace. you are suffocating and drowning in this sea of confusion. problems never cease and misery take centre stage. what you really do not need now is some moronic and irritating individual to get on your nerves . basically, life is just a dainty piece of shit now. or rather you are the piece of shit.

hold me for awhile
just for a moment
please

The end

in the midst of smiles and laughter
i fade slowly into oblivion
deeper i go
into the realms unknown
the water is rising
and salvation beckons
higher, i shouted
as water and darkness engulfed me
take me, i begged
take me and end this beautiful charade forever
i cant take it anymore

"whoever said that there are plenty of fish in the sea was lying, sometimes there's only one fish. trust me."

*everytime, every single damned time.

Farewell
I knew that this moment
would come in time
That I'd have to let go
and watch you fly
I know you're coming back
so why am I dying inside
Are you searching for words
that you can't find
Trying to hide your emotions
but eyes don't lie
Guess there's just
no easy way to say goodbye.

"But for now, let me say. without hope or agenda. That to me you are perfect. and my wasted heart will love you.."

my tolerance hangs by a thread. i have no idea why is this happening. being made the butt of jokes is totally fine with me, even calling names. but there is a point when i feel that it has all become degrading and irritating. maybe it is your version of a joke or what but i seem to remember that i have never, never sold you out, hurt you or anything of that sort. by now shouldn't you realise that there is only so much i can take? it has come to a point when i feel all of it was made as a personal attack. i may be wrong, but i dont know what to expect now. what happened to before? i know things have changed but i did not. have you? because it wasnt like this. being made the butt of jokes is one thing, being degraded is another thing altogether. it may actually be a joke and i'm just not sporting enough. maybe. but everyone has their limit. and for me, you of all people should know, the limit is here.

being ambitious is one thing. being overly unreasonale is another.

I am deserted.
I am the desolate.
I am boxed by your starkness.
I am dysfunctional.
I am deluded.
I am dying inside.
Please stop your hurting me.
Please stop your hating me.
Please stop observing me.

"Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes."

Thank The Heavens

laugh, scream, cheer, sing or whatever. because Denise Keller is finally on FHM cover. what took you so long Denise? denise keller's on FHM! denise keller's on FHM!

you know you seldom voice out significant and notable opinions and comments. heck, you don even voice them sometimes. but when you do, you're just like everybody else. you hope thatyour views and inputs are heard and given a relevant feedback, be it negative or positive, you dont care. as long as there is evidence that your views are received. you dont think your opinions deserve to be overruled, overlooked or more crudely put, completely ignored, till you actually have to demand for feedback. people have to realise that its not just about them them them to the point that you dont really see the point of trying to contribute anymore. many times you are fine with it, but there are times when frustration is just too much to handle. maybe all you should do is shut up and not your head.

yeah, sounds good.

Salvation
I've seen you hanging round
This darkness where I'm bound
And this black hole I've dug for me
And silently within
With hands touching skin
The shock breaks my disease
And I can breathe

Your faith like the pain
Draws me in again
She washes all my wounds for me
The darkness in my veins
I never could explain
And I wonder if you ever see
Will you still believe?

"you think you know but you don't, so don't."

there are so many things to say that can never be said.

"everytime i ask if this would be the last."

is it a cruel twist of fate or did the cold hard reality just hit me squarely in the face? Pandora's box should never be opened. Hope? it diminishes with every word you utter and finally evaporates with a fatal stab through the very core of the heart.

"stop whining dammit, stop freaking whining."

life is such a funny place to be living in. the winds of change sweep through you unexpectedly and most of the times, the result is fatal. one moment you may feel on the top of the world, ecstatic beyond words. the next second, the wind that swept you off your feet will bring you crashing through the abyss of reality, broken beyond words. it doesnt take a lot. a word, a look, an action or even a slight twitch in the eye will awaken you from your dreams of laughable fantasies and make-believe. sometimes there is so much to say that there isnt a right way to begin. you see so many things but there are things you would rather not know. you keep silent because in silence you feel safe. sometimes you sound like a weakling, somedays you feel like one. you go on lamenting about the atrocities of life. you rant and rave about everything under the sun. people are getting pissed and tired of you dishing out thrash to them day in day out. they hope that you'd just keep your silence and just nod and smile when you see them. your words mean zilch to them. tough luck if you need to talk. buy a pet, it might hear you out. stop pestering people around you with your endless chatter. wake up and smell the roses, because the world wont stop for your grief.

you were long past the caring stage. the antics that he engages himself into no longer interests you. you no longer care if he arrives home late, too late for comfort. you no longer give a damn if he comes home reeking of perfume. you no longer care if he says he have to take suspicious sudden business trips abroad. you dont even bat an eyelid when he leaves home early in the morning for no rhyme or reason.. but for goodness sake cant he be a little more discreet? cant he even tell a lie properly? why tell a stupid lie when even a freaking fool can see through it without much thinking? hasnt he realise the potency of a woman's sixth sense by now? how stupid can one get? hasnt he done it enough times to learn and not get discovered? cant he come up with something more believable? you no longer give a shit about his actions. the fact that he doesnt think he is wrong does not bother you anymore. he has long lost your respect. but it's not about you this time. other people will get hurt if everything comes out in the open. you dont want them to go through this. you dont believe they can. but there is absolutely nothing you can do. he continues to do things that he thinks he can get away with when we know of it but choose to keep our silence. you know there might be a day when all hell will break loose. you will be powerless to do anything. and when the day comes that history repeats itself there is no more you can do than blame yourself.

"If you didn't make me stay, I wouldn't have to put up with all these."

I'm sorry

manipulating words to fit your purposes have never been a difficulty, at times it was seen more as a challenge than an obstacle. but lately, words seem to be failing you. in the past where you can seemingly conjure up a thunderstorm with a single word to now, where even making your feelings known seem to take eternity. with your only avenue of redemption wiped out, you have no other choice but to withdraw deeper, smiling and nodding as you waste your life away. their eyes linger on your face, wondering, searching, hurting. but you look away, you know better now. thier beguling faces make your heart skip a beat and you call for restrain. no, you are not going down there anymore. you have been down many times. too many times. but as you struggle for calm, that sickening voice whispers again. "maybe, just maybe this time it would be fine."

and the cycle continues.

for reasons better kept silent i am fucking royally pissed. maybe it is the time of the night, maybe it is the accumulation of everything. but really, i dont really fucking care about that right now. all i know is that i am pissed. like something inside just snapped, break, game over, thats it. everything's so fucked up now

fuck

everything is piling up. five weeks into it but you feel that you have been trapped here for a lifetime and still counting. you are fast drowning under this sea of plain insanity and you would think that you would concentrate on the task at hand, that is to stay alive. but no, at these crucial moments you have to start thinking about mundane stuffs that is slowly draining what little strength you have left. maybe you should just let the current sweep you away.

no, it's not okay. everything's not okay.

"My life? It isn't easy to explain. It has not been the rip-roaring spectacular I fancied it would be. But neither have I burrowed around with gophers. I suppose it has resembled a bluechip stock; farily stable, more ups than downs and gradually treading upwards over time. A good buy, a lucky buy and I've learned that not everyone can say this about his life. But do not be misled, I am nothing special; of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough."

-The Notebook By Nicholas Sparks

oh well.

The dark velvet depths of comforting blackness are pulling me down.
It would be so easy to follow in to the reassuring endless sleep where pain is unknown.
I have wished this many times, but I lack the courage to end the infinite sadness I feel inside.
So I am forever meant to be in the cold, outside, on the edge.
Waiting for someone who will never appear.
Someone to love me.

weekend freakshows

i hate the GV cinema near my house during the weekends. it is one of the very few cinemas (at least to my knowledge) that screen indian movies. so during the weekends, 'people' from all over the country come flocking to the cinema to catch their beloved bollywood stars in action. they would settle themselves on the pavements or even the field outside the cinema and share a 1.5 litre soft drink. detours are a must when going home on the weekends because they practically fill up the whole cinema. if i step in, i would be the only fair-skinned person among a sea of..erm..you know..the TAMILS. i'm not going to take that chance, they might sense the animoisity i have towards them and turn on me. so i have to walk round the cinema, all because of the tamils.

you know what's the worse combination? tamils and durians, my god.

Go figure.

it has been awhile.

a seemingly innocent coversation on the journey back unwittingly triggered memories that has long been forgiven but never forgotten. like a well-concealed sniper, it crept softly onto you and reared its ugly head before defenses could be gathered.

perhaps it is the perverse nature of man to yearn to be loved, to know that someone is always waiting behind the scenes for you. maybe it is the kick that you get from these ego trips that you refuse to confess that you feel zilch, kosong, no feelings, to those who are foolish enough to think that you are the world. then again, it might be the power that you possess over them, your actions and words dictate their moods subconsciously. a smile and they are in 7th heaven, a cold shoulder and they crash through the purgatory of hell. you keep these people within your grasp, never allowing them to move on with their lives. the moment you sense that they are getting away, you return and wreak havoc on their lives. then you leave them, satisfied that you have left them shattered and crazier about you than ever before. you never spared a thought for these people, of what became of them when you left them shivering in the night. you never considered what might become of them after all's been said and done. that they fear meeting another person like you so much so that they never dared to venture out again.

unwanted memories, forgiven but perhaps not really forgotten.

if only.

Endless Road

the truth is tearing up my heart.
i cant recognize this place
the endless road without a stop sign
cant even find a stranger this time

why am i still holding back my tears?
in this loneliness there's nothing to fear
every chord still seems a wonder
how we could be together
every time i ask if this would be the last

why am i still talking to myself?
hoping you will have the keys to my cell
every song might calm the weather
but it just draws me deeper
how do i get out of this
i think i never will

a crystal forming in the eye
maybe this would be the last
the winding path down my face
till i begin to taste the bitterness inside.

listen and feel.

you lost the bet

you entered the bet expecting to win but half wishing you would lose. it was one of the seldom times that you got it wrong. perhaps because you understand too much that at times it hurts. maybe its true that a leopard can really change its spots. so you lost, but you are at peace with yourself. there was never any bitterness in the beginning and there will be none as this chapter comes to a close. they are embarking on a wondrous journey together. they have your utmost blessings.

be happy

做你的外套
只能穿梭你的外表
听到你对他的撒娇
可笑的是我没资格计较
做你的外套
拥抱着却不被拥抱
我是谁你知不知道　
怎能随便穿上又换掉?

The fascination with women in office wear.

well, before you go shaking your head and muttering "pervert", please let me plead my case. i mean how do you resist this aura that they exude so effortlessly? 'they' that are dressed in suits and skirts? 'they' that can bring you to your knees with a look? for the suits, i dont really mind if it's black or white for the suits cuz i've seen both and both will look equally gorgeous if you can carry it off. but on hindsight, i feel that white is a tad more sexier and alluring(*wink wink*). the skirt must not be a la 'ally mcbeal' style skirt where it is so short that the underwear is playing peek-a-boo . it just cheapens the whole image. office ladies my friends, not some cheap prostitutes. maybe they can have long hair and also big eyes and eyelashes that are so long that it can curl all the way back? how about a dimple on the right cheek when she smiles? and to top it all off, maybe a whiff of Hugo Boss Intense?

what the heck, i just saw one today. i may be overexaggerating and adding some of my own uhm..fantasies (some call it fetish, but sounds unhealthy) but boy did she knock my socks off. but the catch? she was with a balding indian!!!

ok, i'm guilty as charged.

In Dreams

If only I could stay asleep.
At least I could pretend that you're thinking of me,
'Cos night time is the one time I am happy.
You see in my dreams,
We climb and climb and at the top we fly,
Let the world go on below us.
We are lost in time.
And I don't know really what it means,
All I know is that you love me,
In my dreams.

only in dreams, only in my dreams.

a man in his late forties having his paws all over a woman who could be his daughter. beside them stand a pair of newlyweds having their wedding photos taken. how ironic. how absolutely downright fucking ironic.

it never rains. it pours. everytime. every single time.

dreams can be cured with a pinch. hopes shatter with a single word. maybes dissove in the face of reality. illusions never change into something real.

now i know, now i really know.

night has settled, dawn approaches in a few hours. i thought sleep occurs when you are tired and then you close your eyes. but it seems that sleep has other ideas for me.

"The only constant in this world is changes."

everything changes, it's just a matter of time. "Times have changed", "Things are different now". how many times have you heard these phrases being uttered? times change, things change and yes, feelings change. sometimes change creeps up on you so silently that you never really did realise until it is too late. you discover that things were not what they used to be. you find yourself standing alone at the crossroads, having to make a decision that will make or break another person's life. at other times, change strike so suddenly that you find it impossible to accept. you stand on this plateau of confusion and disbelief as your life disintegrates before your very eyes. in this midst of despair and bitterness, the word "why?" echoes mockingly in your mind. you need a reason. something for you to accept this change, so that you can be at peace and move on. deep down you hate these changes that have totally altered your life. you don't want to make that decision, you refuse to accept that things can change that fast. but all has changed, maybe its time to make that decision and move on.

Storm

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the oceans shapeless form.
The water's getting harder to thread
with these waves crashing over my head.

If I could just see you everything would be alright.
If I could see you this darkness would turn into light
and I will walk on water, and you will catch me if I fall,
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything would be alright, and everything would be alright.

maybbe one day, someone would invent a switch that can be implanted into humans. when it is time to sleep, people just need to set the alarm and turn off the switch. immediately, they will fall into the blissful surrender of sleep. and the switch will be turned on when the alarm goes off the following morning. people will then face the new day fresh and with ample amount of sleep. imagine the amount of insomniacs this will cure. people can literally sleep away their melancholy during the night. but that is something for the future. for now, people still face sleepless nights for whatever reasons. they roam on this realm between dream and reality where they are to face the night alone. they wish that darkness would claim them and bring them salvation. but it is another joke played on them by life when you cant even sleep when you want to.

Solitude never felt this real.

Life is unpredictable. everyone is powerless against the passage of time and fate. lives could be changed forever in a blink of an eye. there are times when you feel that watching the sunrise is not a privelge but a given right. you do not realise that there are other people who had gone through hell and purgatory just to live through the previous night. you take every day as it is and always plan about 'tomorrow', never realising that one day 'tomorrow' might not arrive. have you thought about today? or is it just like any other day? have you neglected the finer things in life because of your obsession of material wants? when was the last time you put your hands over your mum's shoulders and watched Tv together? when was the last time you apologised to your friends for being patient with such a disaster like you? when was the last time you told them you love them? they might break your heart if you tell them, but if you don't, you might break theirs.

the more i talk, the more misunderstood everything gets. maybe its a sign to close this space down.

what in the freaking blue hell is wrong with the goddamn bloody image? is this some kind of sick joke? well, i dont bloody get it and it ain't funny at all! please stop this lame thing and return me my image!

okay where do i begin? i think my loser qualities are becoming obvious. was standing in queue at a petrol mart for Newpaper. don't get me wrong, the cashier was friendly and courteous. "hi sir! any petrol?". that was her friendly first-liner to all the guys in front of me. some said yes and of course some said no (because they dont have a car). but when it was my turn, instead of that, i got "70 cents". i waited for a good 5 seconds for the "any petrol" part to come but no. she just stared at me..what? i don't look like someone who's rich and can own a car? everyone was in shorts and t-shirts. why do they have the "i own a car" look, and i dont have? is it in their t - shirts? just because i wear a school t-shirt doesnt mean i dont own a car! i dont, but that's not the point. loser.

revisited my friendster account. most of my friends have at least 100 friends. wow. then i look at mine. pathetic. terrible. shocking. incorrigible. 29. 29! Loser!

and to top it all off. i hate my face. i look like a, i quote "hokkien ah beng". yeah, laugh and gloat all you want.

LOSER

the bills just came in. i need a job. i need it like right now!

there's always this assumption that it is always those mats that will always be rowdy and making a helluva lot of noise at the void decks and vicinity. no offence to the mats but hey, they are always seen around there, aren't they. however, it seems that they are not the only ones who can be irritating. big groups of people,regardless of race, will also congregate there in the name of revision. the topics that they discuss are at times intriguing but mostly irritating. maybe they do not understand that there are actually individuals who seek refuge there so as to get down to some serious revision where they try to understand the greek words that are staring back at them. shoutout to the bald lonely indian that was at the other end. although i have an understandable aversion to your race but well..what the heck..we endured. they even touched on the virtues of swallowing semen. unbelievable, wonder what module's that.

well, not all's bad. maybe you get to bump into old buddies that you have never seen for ages and do catch up. catching up is one thing you should never get bored of. the old gossips, the old flames, the bitches that you used to hate, those buddies you use to have. catching up is a fulfilling pastime.

life is just one big rehearsal for a play that will never take place. it is sad when people say that life is short and yet life decides to make it all into a big joke. in a blink of an eye, when we are left alone to face our own skeletons, we realise that what we want is never what we get. you have grown weary and spent. past comforts have all become nothing but a figment of the past. at the end of the day, you need a place where you can rest your soul upon. you need someone who will hold you quietly while you cry. but you never get what you want. so you continue on this journey, this rehearsal, till the day your limbs can no longer move, till the day when light grows dimmer and dimmer. till the day when oblivion engulfs you.

solace - where are you when i need you.

hold me.

Perhaps I know why it is man alone who laughs: He alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter. i hate smiling to pretend that i'm not hurt. i hate to giggle to show that i'm ok. i hate to laugh after i cry. i hate all these because it's just one big lie. defenses are stripped to the bare minimum. excess baggage follow you around. tired, drained, exhausted. you need a breather, someone to hear you out. but as much as you want to, there's somethin holding you back. you realise you don't even know what to talk about. would they understand the gibberish that you dish out? sometimes there's just too much to say that in the end you give up trying to convey. you are only human. you seek solace. but from what, from where, from whom? maybe some thing. maybe some where, maybe some one. maybe no one.

i need you

they say when you are alone its better because nobody knows you. when no one's your friend, it's better because nobody leaves you. But i hear voices and i see colours. and i wish i didn't feel anything. that it might be easy for me, like it is for you. why is it always them and not me that finds it easy? If so, why do we yearn for company when we are perfectly fine alone, empowering them with the ability to hurt us? why do we lower ourselves to a position of emotional vulnerability where a word can shatter our very soul? in the bitter watches of the night, when the silence is deafening and the darkness complete, you find youself reaching out involuntarily to something, someone. but to whom, to what? why do you even reach out in the first place? who or what has ever answered your call of distress? haven't you always faced your nightmares alone with only the silence ever witnessing the whisperings of your tears. then why the desire, the need, still festers after all these time? i guess solitude is the profoundest fact of human condition because man are the only beings who knows he is alone. but why, why must you feel this way?

The shifting sands of love, like death, send you to a place of pleasure and pain. Fight on, save your soul from eternal torment.

dont.

it is moments like this, the realm between the fast approaching daylight and the lingering night, that your senses seem to heightened. it is times like this, when you are slowly slipping into oblivion, that you suddenly feel lost and devoid of directions. you never do like reading signals because you always believe you will get it wrong. you'd rather refuse to guess than get it wrong, because the consequences will spiral beyond control. you are shivering, with no arms for you to seek solace. there's no choice but to go on, against the freezing cold and loneliness with this unexplainable feeling that is festering in your heart. how you wish that you could just slip into oblivion and stay in the darkness forever. how you wish there's a place where you could rest your tired soul upon. maybe one day you'll stop having emotions that should never happen in the first place.

but come on.

fucking computer. what kind of computer will hang just when you are about to save?? Aaargh!!!..all gone!!..what the heck is wrong?.. and now i have a phobia that it will hang, flash is also killing me and dunno why i cant sign in to msn and my mum just bought durians and the whole kitchen stink of durians..Aaargh!!!

"I can't believe I've lived this long without having your love," she whispered weakly. "You have had it. I've always loved you," he said quietly, threading his fingers through her hair to press her head against his heart. "I just didn't know your name."

don't judge me, when you do not know me. don't pretend to be a saint in front of me, and stab me when i'm not looking. how dare you call me names, when you know truly you deserve much more than you are getting now. stop talking behind others back. i'm fed up. if it's a fight you want. then a fight is what you get. come and get me. make the first move. don't keep me waiting.

if i get the chance, i would like to open a F & B outlet that occupies two levels. The outlet will be located at somewhere hip and central and will be divided into three sections.

Section 1 and 2
Section 1 and 2 would be located at the 1st level. This level would be a dining area. The food will have a large variety of different types of cuisine. Feast upon the sashimi, caviar, pasta, steak, tandoori chicken and many more at the dining area. The main attraction would be that section 2 of the dining area serves halal food. this means that all those who take halal food would not be deprived of the sumptous dishes available. most importantly, people no longer need to search high and low for a halal restaurant that is suitable for everyone. with a large selection of choices that are halal, nobody would be deprived of the food.


Section 3
had a great dinner but realised that there is no after-dinner activities? fret not. visit the pub that is situated on level 2. reminisce about the good old days with your friends over a few glasses of alcohol while a in-house band plays soothingly in the background. there will be different themes for the music in the pub. monday - ballads, tuesday - jazz, wednesday - rock and so on. strictly no bar-top dancing. especially those of the hippo or rhino proportions. period.

like a scene from a movie, the scene unfolded in front of your very eyes. cruel and devastatingly beautiful. you tear your eyes away from the haunting moments and pray for composure. the wind howled, the silence mocked, the stars cried and the moon wept. in the worlds of bliss and contentment, you can only be the one observing it, never the one in it. even the normally comforting camouflage of darkness seem to desert you. in the future, you are just a figment of the past. there are so many things to talk about, forbidden secrets that should not even be mentioned. open wounds that simply refuse to heal. perhaps you brought it all upon yourself. perhaps one day you can smile and talk openly. but no, not now. not now when all still festers.

dark whispers trapped within the icy walls, long may it stay there.

sick and tired of the playacting. if there are opinions, voice it. if there are unhappiness, air it. deep-lying dissatisfaction? tell it. let the whole world know. at least people can try doing something about it. dont keep mum and act like a matyr or pariah. cut that crap. spare me that attitude. it's getting on the nerves. others may deserve it. but i do not think i do. stop this festering in my heart.

Pretense

Everyone faces the world with their own facade of pretensions. maybe some time along the way, people tried to take down their masks and try to be who they are. but they realised too quickly and cruelly that honesty and sincerity are not that vogue in the real world after all. so the masks return. they start to walk the walk and talk the talk. they smile but are they really smiling? or is it just a more polite way to tell you to get lost? you want to reach out, but the door just slams in your face. it seems so helpless. exasperation fills you but then you realized that you are not that innocent too. who knows that if the person they see is really you or just another person wearing a costume performing on a stage we call world. maybe masks and pretensions are justifiable. people may have their reasons for doing so. but it is unforgivable if you think you can take another person for a ride and escape scot-free.

keep the mask on. it may not be that bad a thing after all.

a burned weeked with approaching deadlines. thank you guys for making this a more bearable weekend. thank you for making it an enjoyable weekend. thank you, all of you. you know who you are.

your blood is boiling, adrenaline is coursing through your body at maximum speed. you cant concentrate. your fists are clenched and your knuckles have turned white. Flames are dancing dangerously in your eyes. But just as everything threatens to get out of hand, your inexplicable control takes over. cold logic takes centre stage and the fire is changed into ice. It is beyond your comprehension on the reasons why some people derive satisfaction at the demise of others. these bunch of adventure-seekers embark on their search for cheap thrills that will occupy their time. they fail to notice that their 'thrills' are human beings. human beings that have emotions, human beings that feel and human beings that jolly well deplore being taken for a ride. but the 'thrill-seekers' do not bat an eyelid to the destruction their actions will cause. to them, this whole thing is just a game. they move on when the thrill is over, leaving yet another broken-hearted human at their feet. but they are unwilling to give up on these humans, they believe that they should keep them somewhere so if one day, they cant find anything more thrilling, they will revisit these 'old thrills'. u feel so utterly disgusted and disappointed in these people. they do not deserve your respect. why do they if they do not give a damn to the feelings of others?

i cant go on like this. one day i will just automatic shut down and thats it.

they say when you are alone, it is better because nobody knows you. when no one is your friend, it is better because nobody leaves you. but i hear voices and I see colours. And i wish i didn't feel anything. Then it might be easy for me, like it is for you.

"one sheep, two sheep, three sheep..1023 sheep,1024 sheep, 102...ahhh!"

Graciousness

The situation at Mrt stations is getting more and more deplorable. Some of the passengers do not understand the meaning of lining up or 'please give way to alighting passengers'. aunties and those in their middle-ages and above really deserve some shout-outs here. they are the last to arrive at the stations, but they are the first to stand in front of the door when the train comes without even feeling embarrassed. when the door open, they try to wrestle their way in like there's no tomorrow. aunties in particular, they rush in to get their seats and proceed to feel very satisfied as they have managed to win a place to seat. the worse should be that they think that it's nothing wrong, but they curse and swear when others do it on them. such graciousness. absolutely deplorable and incorrigible.

"People come into our lives and walk with us a mile, and then because of circumstance they only stay a while. They serve a need within the days that move so quickly by, and then are gone beyond our reach, we often wonder why. God only knows the reason that we meet and share a smile, why people come into our lives and walk with us a mile."

do you ever wonder why some people just gradually fade out of your life? like the train, they sit with you for awhile and leave when they arrive at their stops. you may see them again tomorrow on the same train but then again, you may never see them again. years down the road, you may recall this incident and blame yourself for not trying enough to get to know this person. it may not be any fault of yours. maybe you tried making small talk to the person. maybe you talked about your family, where do you work, stay etc. but when you turn and look expectanly at that person, he or she mumbles something inaudible and gets off at the next station. what do you do then? there's nothing you can do i guess. yes, you would be hurt, you would feel let down. but people may have their reasons in behaving this way, there's no point being judgemental when you do not know everything. moreover, whoever said life was happy?

make small talk with the person beside you, smile and laugh and even snuggle a little closer, but bear in mind that they may be getting off at the next station. do not take it personally if they leave abruptly. they have to.

"The world will always be cruel, but it never seems that way unless you face it alone." but you are alone.

have you ever stayed up at night, when the mercy of sleep seem to elude you. when all else have fallen into slumber and all that is left is you, trapped in this realm of unsleeping wilderness.. your doubts seem to creep up on you, your fears suddenly become magnified. you pray for sleep, you pray for death. but all that you are given is silence. deafening and choking. who knows what you have spoken to the darkness, in the bitter watches of the night. when all of your life seems to shrink and the walls closing in about you. a hushed tremor that will shake you to the core, bringing you to your knees. maybe then the mercy of sleep will claim you. maybe, just maybe.

Take a break for a moment, away from the rush of madness, feel.
The warmth of the night, the scent of the wind, they beckon.
The comforts of darkness, the whispers of raindrops, they call like angels.
Close your eyes, don't fall asleep too soon, listen.
Listen to the patter of raindrops,
Listen to the murmurings of the wind
Listen to the voice you hear within.
For sometimes, we are so preoccupied that we fail to notice the little things in life.
For sometimes, we are so focused on making others smile that we have forgotten how.
For sometimes, we have forgotten what it is like to sing in the rain.
If you have forgotten how, then please do take a seat, words do not do justice to this peace that you will feel.
Just listen.
And enjoy the weather.

sex on the beach with a cocksucking cowboy

sex on the beach, margarita with a dose of pina colada has fulfilled my short term fantasies and made me more broke than ever. but what the hell, it's not everyday i can get my hands on them. oh yeah, there's also a shooter named "cocksucking cowboy" forgot the ingredients. but it is whitish on the surface and has a milky taste (for those who think this is a pun, it is not, it really does have a milky taste). till the next session!

IF I KNEW

If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well, I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.

There will always be another day
to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do?"

But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret this day.

That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear

the days just happen so quickly, the moments are so fleeting that i find myself joining in this rat race against time. so distracted i am, that details that i normally are attuned to, are overlooked. i guess it's time for me to slow down and do things at my own pace. maybe i did not overlook the details, maybe i assumed too much or maybe it just plain did not occur to me. whatever the reasons i may possess, it's still no excuse, because the little details are what that will make everything click and come together. have you ever felt alone? who do you miss or think of when you are in this state of solitude? do you brighten up when he or she calls you just as you were missing him or her? does that chase away the despiteful solitude, at least for a while? what if you suddenly needed someone but you know deep down that it's impossible that the person will call and that your incessant pinings will be met with scorn and distaste? worse still, what if you suddenly missed a person but you realise that that person is nobody in particular? that you need someone but don't even know who to miss and think of?

nobody said solitude was easy, but nobody said it was going to be this hard.

its funny how the whole world will change in perception as the years run down on you. everywhere people look at you expectantly for results, for affirmation, for whatever. but there are points in time when you need someone to turn to for answers, fo reassurance, for concern too. every corner you turn, every step you take, people are watching you, hounding you. waiting for a misstep so that they can pounce on you. you have a feeling that you are riding on this huge red tide and cant get off. all you can do is keep moving, keep fending for yourself. but you are only human, you will get tired too. you cant possibly carry on behind this facade of pretensions forever. your spirit will be broken one day. there are moments in life where you need a little reassurance, a few doses of concern and maybe a wee bit of love too.

you are exhausted. mentally, physically, psychologically and emotionally. you feel drained and lifeless after everythng but there is still a long winding way to go. you want to recharge or rather you need to recharge your batteries. you search for the place to close your eyes and sink yourself into the dreamy bliss of oblivion. everywhere you turn, you realise that dangers still lurk in the shadows. every minute you waste, you feel that the essence of your life is slowly slipping away from your already weak grasp. as you watch while your life essence painfully ebbs away and imminent shadows closing onto you, all that you are allowed to do is to keep moving. there is no respite for you. when you feel numb with darkness clouding your vision, only then do you stop. only then do you lose yourself into oblivion..eternally.

for some rhyme or reasons unknown, you felt that you have been taken for granted, used beyond the point of imagination. you feel like a hotel, approached when the person feels in the mood and brushed off when the person feels like it for reasons only he or she knows. people around may not notice but you do, you are finely attuned to body languages, you know when you are given the cold shoulder. one action, one movement is all that is needed to confirm your deepest fear. you may have been overreacting, but you know that there are some underlying currents that you can feel all too well. in the end you are left puzzled with a strange feeling festering in your heart. you don't deserve this. nobody should deserve this. people whom you care about should not treat you this way. you rack your brains to explain that behaviour but realise that all you could think of are superficial reasons(at least to you) that are so trivial that people will mock and laugh when they get to know about it. when one is unhappy about the other, they should voice out their feelings and not act as if there's nothing wrong but still shut the door in your face with their body language. you hate emotional baggages but sadly everybody has their own baggage to carry. all you hope now is slam 20 shots of anything and fade into oblivion.

then again, you may have been overreacting. oh, you really wish that you are overreacting.

"Sometimes the people whom you thought you knew, start becoming the strangers you never wanted."

sometimes i just do not understand. is the one that got away from you the one you would always yearn for? maybe you regretted all the things you never said, never did. maybe you think that you did not try hard enough. but is it worth to keep pining for a lost cause? some things are always better left unsaid and they too are better left undone.

DAMN FREAKING STATISTICS

demoralising, ego-bashing, headache-inducing, depressing, confident-sapping, mental exhausting...the list goes on. I give up.

it has been some time since i have chatted at length with the old friends (ok, part of the fault is mine). really glad that nothing really changed since then. had a nice little chat with miss tan (i just cant call u wendy) and yes that hasn't change too. always felt comfortable chatting with her although it has been ages since i last did that, maybe it's because we both are cynics! thanx for hearing and stuff. anyway, my deepest gratitude to all the people whom i call friends, you know who you are.


Different levels of hangovers:

1.One Star Hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap, which has given you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries.


2.Two Star Hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.


3.Three Star Hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball hero watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke, yet you haven't peed once.


4.Four Star Hangover
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Grover Cleveland HS, class of '84.


5.Five Star Hangover
AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell."
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the shit fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your otherwise empty house.


6.Six Star Hangover
Otherwise known as the "Infinite Nut smacker"
You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow managed to get up before you. You try to lift your head. Not an option. Then you inadvertently turn your head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair. Suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights... some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" faintly atop your forehead... the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.

try to stay away from level 6, its no joke.

A day which celebrates the union of couples but makes a mockery out of singlehood.

strange isn't it? the way you would overestimate yourself sometimes. you give a nonchalent shrug when people ask you about it. and if they are lucky, you may even add in the odd smile while you shrugged. so much so that you begin to believe in this hype that you would be immune. but guess what, you are not that great after all. all it took was a little catalyst to kick start the this whole melodrama. when the feeling took hold of you,i guess it really did surprise you. maybe because you really thought you can still be unaffected when the day of reckoning arrived. when reality comes crashing down on you, you are too shocked too cope as this whole emotion consumes and engulfs you. you are trapped, lika a fly in a spider web. you are disgusted to feel this way, but you cant deny that it has taken control over you. unsuspecting people who thought you are able to cope then proceeds to give you comments that sent you deeper into this deep abyss of misery and reality so finally you realised that you are so screwed but there's nobody to blame but yourself. you are supposed to be unaffected. Now you have this unspeakable, melancholic and enigmatic sense of solitary loneliness. may god help you.

there are some points in life when one just wants to unload everything here. write what your heart tells you, write what you are really feeling. are you currently dainty? on the wings of love? nervous? looking forward to something? on top of the world? down? exhausted? stressed? worried? on rocky grounds? having an unexplainable gnawing in your heart that keeps you awake at night?. Do you ever want to describe the extend of your joys or unleash the full retribuition of your wrath? but when you stare at the screen and start typing, do you stall? is something stopping you? are there any inhibitions that you never realised initially?

ironic isn't it? its suppose to be your virtual hideout where close friends can enter and share some of your joy(or depression) and now you have to think how to write stuff so that it appears more mellow. but just because they are your friends dont necessary mean that they have to read about your enigmatic feelings. just because of a word, a look, an action, a brush off or a sentence from someone out there doesnt mean they have to read about it. for all you know, the problem might be yourself and watever you are feeling is just an overreaction and has no basis at all. so in the end maybe you decide to hide the true essence in huge chunks of words that nobody but you understands. but it is just as well, because you can never be too sure who reads this. those who are confused will just have to ask you, but then again..who do you think you are to deserve so much attention?

Amin an ten' lle.

i would have sat beside you while you unleash your frustrations.
i would have sat beside you while you lament on the world.
i would have followed you to brave the icy shadows of despair.
i would been there with you to face the unforgiving cruelty of helplessness.
i would have been there with you as shivers racked thru us under the chill of loneliness.
i would have gone with you till the very ends of the earth.
i would have travelled till the deepest ends of hell in exchange for your smile.
i would have...if i could.
i would have..if you want me to.

mood is a strange and weird thing. one minute you feel fine and dainty and on top of the world, the next minute you suddenly feel that the world ain't such a perfect place after all. perhaps the most frustrating aspect is that you cant really put a finger on why moods change. is it something other people said, did? are you affected by their actions and feelings? sometimes you try too hard to figure who has caused you to have a swing in mood. You never did realise that the problem may actually lie on nobody else but you.

suddenly i realised the shadow has lifted. no longer am i haunted by the ghost of the past. for the first time since a long time i am at peace with myself and the decision i had made. there were no "what ifs" and "maybes" this time around. there were no useless speculations, only sincere blessings and genuine smiles with no tears hidden behind.

looking back, i realised that i will most probably make the same choices if i ever had the chance to do it all over again. the choices made me wat i am today. the choices made me grow up (i hope), more mature (i hope), less naive (definitely) and certainly less emotional in a sense, i've become quite cynical i guess.

Regrets? sure i do have regrets. the words i never really got to say, the things i never did, the "what ifs" and 'maybes" and so much more. but no, i dun think i ever regretted. because at the end of the day, i believe that these things do happen for a reason, because at the end of the day i believe my choices were worth the consequences.

such magnanimous words, i know that i am not this ever-forgiving sage that dis post is making me out to be. i do bear grudges. Maybe it's because for the 1st time in a very long time that i am at peace with myself. Maybe it's because for the 1st time since a very long time i can look at the mirror and say that i had let go.

"If I would have known my heart would break, I would have loved you anyway."

Dear blog,
the house was goddamn bloody huge! they even have a home theatre system with individual armchairs!..it is times like this when you realize that life really does suck..oh well..many thanx to G for the dinner and also the mahjong game after that..

ever wondered why your mood is somehow related to how people you really do care about feel? when you know that all's well in their lives, you will unconsciously feel happy too. when u get to know that they have some problems and worries that they cant get their mind off, you wld inadvertently be affected by it. the urge to share their burden and tears immediately comes to you even though it may not even be ur business. have u wondered why den? y do the feelings of the person that u care about affect u tht much? do u sometimes just want to give tht person a hug and tell tht person that everything will be alright? even if u are not even sure wat really happened in the 1st place? cuz all u hope is tht person(or persons) will feel better. well, i have. although i'm also stumped when asked the reason why. there's no reason. i just do.

Anyways, just discovered that cold beer on a stomach that is nursing a hangover is a big definite no no, learnt about this the hard way today. so bonne nuit my friend.

Hugo Boss Intense


I know i used to (and i still do) have this special liking for the fragrance that comes from a woman's hair. i dunno, women just emits this unique fragrance from their hair naturally..it's so unfair sometimes. i lurrve women with pretty and sweet smelling hair. It just adds to the whole package and yes, it's definitely a major turn on...:p.

however, today i just discovered another fragrance that would bring me to my knees. It is none other than hugo boss intense. the scent is so..how do you describe it?..seductive but not overpowering..the scent really plays on ur senses and it's like "come get me, if u can.". u can really get drunk from the scent..go try it someday and u'd know my feelings.

So, if u are a girl and has pretty and nice smelling hair and also uses hugo boss INTENSE..honey, i'm your man.

nothing like the good old sea breeze and some solitude to lighten the gnawing in ur hrt and all those pent up frustrations..

"close your eyes, listen to the waves, may it wash away, if not all, then some of your worries."

For u, if u are bogged down by frustrations and worries. Cheer up, tml will be a better day.

The dummies' guide on how to prevent yourself from peeing on a cab even though you are on extreme high tide:

1. Sit straight and dun slouch. So that ur bladder will not be burdened by extra weight and you wld not be affected tht much sld the cab brake suddenly. Rmb every second counts.
2. Take short and rapid breaths. Long breaths will make the trip unbearable and may force your pee out.
3. Loosen any tight buckles around ur waist
4. Be calm. Focus on how are you going to release yourslf once u alight and not on the fact tht ur pee is threatening to leak out in any moment.
5. Forget abt ur change. There will be hell to pay than just the few dollars if u sld pee in the uncle's cab.

If everything fails, pls dun aim at the taxi driver..:p..



"if my thoughts of you were measured in flowers, i could walk in my garden forever."

didnt really have a post in mind, but i felt that i needed this, so here goes.

i dunno wats happening. i didnt know i was that vulnerable. i was suppose to be immune. i cant explain anything, its beyond me. it seems that everything just went through my denfenses and delivered a blow to the core of my heart and it hurt, yes it did. suddenly i feel so bare in the eye of this new emotion. never did i realise that i am actually so goddamn vulnerable. so now i am staring at the screen and typing nonsensical nothings while my brain is still able to function. i have this enigmatic feeling that just keeps gnawing at ur heart until ur heart fades into nothingness and finally there is nothing left. i guess i really overestimated myself. "why?" you ask, "why all this angst?". I dunno, i really dun know. everything's such a mess right now, i'm getting lost trying to figure them out. it sldn't have hurt that much junming, it sldnt have hurt at all.

before anybody reads too much into this post, pls bear in mind that this is my feelings talking. pls i dun want any finger-ponting, guessing or anything. i'm writing wat i'm feeling right now and not at anybody or anything else.

Lay down
Your sweet and weary head
Night is falling
You have come to journey's end

Sleep now
Dream of the ones who came before
They are calling
From across a distant shore

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see
All of your fears will pass away

Safe in my arms
You're only sleeping

What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?

Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come
To carry you home

Hope fades
Into the world of night
Through shadows falling
Out of memory and time

Don't say
We have come now to the end
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again

And you'll be here in my arms
Just sleeping


Happy Birthday Nas, hope your wishes would be fulfilled..:p..Take lotsa care..

Dear blog,
went to Induz3 on friday night and i still maintain my low opinion towards clubbing. i do not really understand how those people can stand the incessant pounding of unbearably loud music..Needless to say i downed my fair share of alcohol, hey its free ya, of course must drink more. Dunno which fool gave me a glass of gin mixed with soda water. That sld be the weirdest and lousiest drink i ever drank. Gin should be mixed with tonic water or 7 up, seldom or sld i say never with soda water..In the end the bourbon coke was the best man. Jack Daniels remains the top bourbon (or whisky) for me.

When the government authorised bartop dancing, they neglected a condition so glaring they may come to regret it..they sld have stated that only women with acceptable figures and faces are allowed to do bartop dancing, so that those below can have a pleasant time drinking..I almost choked on my drink when i saw a POWERBOMB and i mean POWERBOMB heaved herself onto the bartop and starting twisting her body..god..she lookd like an oversized hippopotamus..:p..ok ok. I know i sound real shallow but oh well thats the truth..

Finally, for those who wanted to know what antics i did when i became drunk would be utterly disappointed. I was not drunk. Hopefully my alcohol tolerance has risen another notch or maybe its because i didn mix booze with alcohol..oh well..


"You want nothing more than this death. I see it in your eyes. But I cannot let you. We had come too far. We had held on for too long. Reach! You cannot let go. You cannot leave me."

Dear blog,
finally, the problem is fixed although i dun really know exactly how. Accessed the blogs when i returned from sch and discovered that everything works perfectly.

Anyway, there is a stupid module call STATISTICS that i have to take this semester. And its full of freaking formulas! Its like mathematics all over again..somebody just shoot me. The lecturer then has the cheek to say that stats is different from maths. Well, i beg to DIFFER. Everything that deals with numbers is maths. As i've told yiwen, maths = stats, maths = fail, therefore stats = fail. The end is near. Even the stupid textbook is different, so must but cant get it from other people. What is this man! Before i forget, there are tutorial questions to do. God, guess i have to start to copy homework all over again like those secondary sch years. DAMN.

Finally, i discovered all teachers that teaches subjects related to maths always same the same thing. " This is actually not difficult, this subject is actually the subject that you can easily score a distinction. As long as you work consistently, you will have no problems passing." Blah blah blah...From miss koh to this stats lecturer(cant rmb his name), they say the same things. Stop it already!

"dun lead me to the dizzying heights of heaven..then leave me crashing rapidly thru the abyss of hell.."

Dear blog,
apologies for not updating on my blog for quite some time. There seems to be a major problem with my internet connection. I cant seem to vist any blog websites. Everytime i try to open my blog or any other blogs, my computer automatically redirects me to the blogger homepage. God dammit man. I have tried everything, from emailing blogger to calling singnet, to no avail. Really dunno wats the problem. So needless to say i cant visit any of my fwens blogs too, forgive me if u think that i MIA for very long..btw, many thanks to the singnet lady. Although the problem still exists, thanks for being so patient throughout the conversation..u have a nice voice..:p

A year older, a year sader. Happy New Year to all.

"If you should ever find someone new, he knows he better be good to you. Cuz if he's not, then i'll be there."