"There can be miracles, when you believe."

it is during times like this that the fragility of life hits you squarely in the face. just like that, the illusion of safety is wiped out in the cruelest way possible. it was as if the very fury of god has descended upon the world. lives were extinguished in a matter of minutes. families will never be complete. and think about all the words that these people never had the chance to say.

while people are going through the horrifying process of identifying bodies, some people are thinking of which party to attend. while people are counting bodies, other people will be counting down in the midst of booze and merrymaking. dont get me wrong, i'm all for having a little fun and having a gathering with friends. what i cant stand is those people who seems to be living in their own world and adopt the it-didnt-happen-to-me-so-i-dont-care attitude.

The enormity of the deaths is sobering (it has risen to over 114000). there just isnt a way to correctly describe the mood. on one hand, we all know that we have to move on. on the other, how can we turn a blind eye to all those who are now mourning or still frantically searching for their loved ones? we cant even fathom the hell these people are going through. we have absolutely no right to tell them to move on when there is still something to hold on to.

hold on. no matter how dim that ray of light may be. hold on to it, dont give up till you're proven wrong.

because miracles do happen.

what about you? are there words that are still left unspoken? are u waiting for tomorrow? what are you waiting for? tomorrow might just never come.

i love you
every single one of you

These foolish feelings

i happen to read through the past posts and realised the style of writing have evolved till what it is now. kinda like life isnt it? at the start, you're open about everything. trying to share whatever feelings you have with everyone. as the years go by, you start to realise that sometimes sharing everything is just not the way. some things are best remain secrets. so that view festers day after day and in the end, you choose to hide everything in paragraphs of words that only you alone can decipher. but what the heck, i feel comfortable in this insanity. i dont need to justify myself. but i guess this is going to be the most straightforward post i have ever done because i just dont see anyway to 'dramatise' it so to speak. and more importantly, this is actually meant for people to understand.

anyway, i digress.

Onward..

i think it's too late for any apologies now dont you think? there's nothing to forgive anymore. we all learn, one way or another. we are stronger now arent we? i have learnt never to be clingy and needy so that nobody else can fuck me up that badly anymore. so much so that clingy and needy people gives me the goosebumps now. we have all moved on. but looking at where you had moved on to and the drastic changes in you really tears me up. where have the sass and arrogance disappeared to? i hear words from you that i never thought i would hear. it freaks me out.

people say that the most depressing words for both the written and spoken is 'what could have been' and i'm inclined to agree. i cant help but look back on what could have been if you are who you are now. i realised that it wouldnt have worked out either. where is the person that used to drive me up the wall? i fell for the sass. i fell for the arrogance. i fell for the nonchalance. not the you i have trouble accepting now. have all of these disappeared? i really hope not. bring them back, it's somewhere inside you. give it time, you'll be able to move on.

move on, so that i can continue moving on too.

*all too familiar funny feelings are festering once again. it's amazing how you can still fuck me up after all these years.

was watching a shania twain (i've almost forgotten how sexy she is) dvd when the backstreet boys appeared as guest performers. suddenly i realised that i was quite a boy band fan back in those secondary school days. i know i know, some of the boy bands were real cheesy and cant really hold a tune. 5ive anybody? but there were bands that were real good. boyz 2 men, take that, westlife, n'sync and of course the backstreet boys just to name a few.

although brian is the one who have the best vocals among them, i used to like kevin. cuz i think he's handsome and cool. you know when a girl says a guy is cute it means one thing but when a guy says another guy is cute...

go figure.

moving on, i thought about the songs i liked from every boyband and surprisingly the list just grows on and on. Here are some of them:

take that - back for good
boyz 2 men - 4 seasons of loneliness
the moffatts - misery
hanson - i will come to you
another level - from the heart
n'sync - tearing up my heart
westlife - if your heart's not in it
savage garden (not a boyband but still) - moon and back
human nature - cruel
A1 - everytime
98 degrees - I do

and finally my most favouritest of all from the Backstreet Boys (who else duh?)

All I Have To Give

I don't know what he does to make you cry
But I'll be there to make you smile
I don't have a fancy car
To get to you I'd walk a thousand miles
I don't care if he buys you nice things
Does his gifts come from the heart?
I don't know
But if you were my girl
I'd make it so we'd never be apart

[Chorus:]
But my love is all I have to give
Without you I don't think I could live
I wish I could give the world to you
But love is all I have to give
When you talk does it seem like he's not
Even listening to a word you say?
That's okay babe, just tell me your problems
I'll try my best to kiss them all away
Does he leave (does he leave) when you need him the most?
Does his friends get all your time?
Baby pleaseI'm on my knees
Praying for the day that you'll be mine

[Bridge:]
hey girl, I don't want you to cry no more inside
All the money in the world could never add up to all the loveI have inside...
I love you
And I will give it to you
All I can give, all I can give
Everything I have is for you
But love is all I have to give

[Chorus (3x)]

i remember
a long time ago
you and me
at the crossroads
eyes locked
unspoken words linger
achingly
in the air

one deep breath
and i'm gone
walking down the road
that is so different
from yours

now
your distress
haunt me
and i falter

your tears
they touch me
and i feel myself
going back
to the place
where we've swore
never to visit
ever again

i see cracks
in you
at places
that never
existed before

cracks
that never
should
have been there

what happened
to the person
i used to
know?

what happened
to the person
i have come
to miss?

wipe away
the tears
so that
my footsteps can
be steady again

be back
who you were
so that
i can walk away

if not for
anything else
then do it
for me

for me
because you owe me that

*wish i could be, every little thing you wanted..

A: i know you love me. i can sense these things.
B: I dont love you, i need you. Lols
A:...

The games that people play

It is fascinating to see us constantly and willingly subject ourselves to emotional vulnerabilty. we degrade ourselves to the point where a single word can send us to the dizzying heights of heaven or bring us crashing thorugh the abyss of hell. we know this but do we really comprehend it? we are granting another person direct access to the depths of our soul. with nothing but just a look, they dictate our emotions and manipulate our feelings according to their whim and fancy. we have literally sold our souls to them.

If you're with me give me a silent nod here.

but for what? just so we can be stuck in relationships we refuse to get out because we have invested too much in it? or do whatever to please the person you have the hots for and be the perfect wussy? or continuing to pine for someone when you know damn well you should just move on? so once again, for what?

isnt it high time we learn to reconginse the signs and cut our losses before everything gets out of hand?

afterall, its a game we all play.