Every time i think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine
but it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind
There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
While every day my confusion grows
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

Now i know, now i really know.

ever waited for something. that never came? that feeling that start's with a fool's hope, kept alive by rising uncertainty and finally extinguished by utter disbelief and disappoinment?

Yeah, i thought so too.

all that was needed was a single nod, a subtle change in body language, a certain look from the eye. just to confirm that a message was indeed received.

but no.

it is felt that silence is the right way while you stand there waiting for something that'll never come.

but i have one thing to say, Dont ever say things that you dont mean and make promises you cant fucking keep.

this time the joke's on me.

Here's a quick peek at some of the msn nicks that caught my eye:

the way i want you makes me fear you

the worst things are those who linger outside our lives, not coming in, not diappearing.

overworked, underpaid and exhausted

insecured..

when a lie could be dangerous, ignorance is bliss

suicidal tendencies

maybe i'm a winner playing a losing game

dead

loser

official lost of brain

is it me or is the world getting all old and cynical? whatever happened to love, life and everything that is worth fighting for?

Anyway here's one that really did it for me.

lump of tummy

YEAH. go figure.

i hate this self-imposed self-censorship. the only area of expression is facing so much restrictions that at the end of the day, nothing is vented at all. which begs the question, then why have something online where everybody can access to it?

i guess i'm just an attentionseeking whore deep down inside.

somethings never do change do they?

never

The one with Eva Longoria

i remembered watching one of the earlier episode of friends where Rachel and Ross were together. Monica has just broken up with that old doctor (forgot the name) and was sulking her days away. Ross and Rachel were in bed and Rachel grilled Ross about his deepest fantasy. Ross confessed.

It was Princess Leia in her gold bikini.

Subsequently, Pheebs and Mon got to know it and poked fun at Ross's fantasy. Frustrated and confused, Ross confronted Rachel about this. Rachel said of course the girls know because apparently girls share EVERYTHING.

Yes Everything. Even your size and performance.

Anyway, i digress.

So Ross thought that this sharing sisterhood thing was meaningful. he told chandler about it and they agreed to share some deep dark secrets with each other.

"have you ever experienced while you were doing it and everything was going great. but while you're in the heat of things, suddenly the face of your mum appears out of nowhere in your mind and no matter how you try you cant shake off that image?" said chandler (he said something in this sense)

"oh my god!" said Ross and ran out of central perks.

that night, Rachel decided to fulfill Ross's fantasy and came to bed dressed in a gold bikini with the princess leia hairdo. you'd have thought that upon seeing Rachel, Ross would have been overwhelmed with lust.

unfortunately no.

chandler's sick words played on his mind and what he saw wasnt rachel in a gold bikini.

what he saw was his MOM in a gold bikini.

and needless to say, he went to bed traumatised and with a seething rachel beside him.

*aaargh

Things have gone out of hand

i heard from somewhere that we should never post/publish/send stuff that we have just written when we are emotionally charged or unstable. it is believed that we will regret what we say in time to come.

but i say fuck that.

well, i didnt feel any sudden remorse and regret coursing through my veins and assaulting my brain. so i guess it is safe to continue. once in awhile, people will say something that will trigger something so deep inside you that you will go shooting through the roof in fury.

fury. white hot molten anger blinding me with frightening speed. i need to strike out. sometimes all you can do is gawk at the absolute and downright naivety and stupidity at the logic (the lack of it) people possess.

i know attraction cannot be explained in a logical way. but i know downright stubborness and tunnel vision when i see it. the parties involved are more than you can handle. when all is said and done, you will leave a path of destruction in your wake. do you want this to hang over you for the rest of your life?

the apparent nonchalance and ignorance is pissing me off. maybe i am of no right to comment because i cannot really see from your point of view. but to leave them in the dark..

disappointment. utter disappointment. and i'll just leave it at that.

how the hell did all these happen?

and i have the perfect word to describe it all.

fuck.

on a more calmer issue, i know things were done with the best intentions. i dont fault that but i feel there could have been a better way. but what's done is done so lets move on. but please no hanky panky behind my back anymore.

*please

and i understand

i guess it's time for me to return
to the place where it all begun

to the beginning
where reality and fantasy
weaved into one
a place where my past
was nothing but a dream

watching at your half-hearted attempt on humour
the laughter that never quite reached your eyes
you feel so faraway
that i cant reach for you anymore

and i understand

the subtle way
you no longer reach for my hand
and use the shampoo
that i have come to love

and i understand

how you would
look away
when i tried to
wade through the endless abyss
within your eyes

and i understand

why at this moment
you are holding my hand
so tightly it hurts

telling me words
that we once
promised
never to say to
each other

and i understand

the reason why
i am listening close
to every single word
you utter
as if they were your last
because
i know

it will be your last.

and i understand, i understand.


as the first light dawns, it signals the end
to everything.

Spirited Away

one day i would be able to master all the languages in the world and speak like natives. and armed with nothing but a little hope, i would backpack across the world to places that i never dreamed existed. i would sail across the altantic where the vast expanse of water will invoke feelings that i never experienced. and when the sun sets at dusk, the array of colours and breathtaking display across the horizon will assault my senses. as i close my eyes, i can feel and hear the wind against my face, the sensations no written word can explain. a smile plays along my lips and at that moment, freedom is defined. magical

i would travel the world and learn about cultures i never heard of. i will speak with the natives in their own tongue, learn how to do the rain dance and how to make medincine with plants that have yet to be discovered . not because i crave their acceptance but just so because i respect their way of life. i would travel from the sleazy backstreets of amsterdam to the majestic scenery that is new zealand. i will learn to ski at the swiss alps. my footsteps will bring me to the Sacri Monti of Piedmont and Lombardy where a fusion of sheer artistry, skill and a landscape of moutains, lakes and forests, take my breath away. milan will no longer be just a legend but an everlasting memory.

walking along the tagus river of Lisbon, the city is filled with houses whose facades are decked in ceramic tiles. as nighttime descends, the sound of traditional Fado songs are heard across the warmth of homes. cairo will be the next stop, the place where pharoahs once rule and now they reside in majestic and skilled skyscrapers that are called pyramids.

My weary feet will bring me to the land where religions were claimed to be originated. i would visit the dead sea and see if everything floats. i would step foot on Jerusalem, a place so filled with history and legend but at the same time not spared of bloodshed and violence in the battle of 'religious' supremacy.

France will be a stop that i will never miss. if it was possible, i would take as long as it takes to travel the whole of France, from Lille at the north all the way to montpellier at the south coast. i would be sure to be at Marseille, the oldest city of France and immerse myself in the rustic charm of hills and sea. who can forget Paris, the city of romance and untold possibilities? i would attempt to take the stairs up the Eiffel Tower and drink in the wonderful sights that will wash over me. at night, i will watch in dreamy wonder as the guardian of Paris is illuminated with golden beacons of light can be seen from the rooftop. it would be sheer magic. i want to get lost as i walk along the streets of Champ Elysees, walking from avenue to avenue, speechless by the sheer fairytale quality of everything. when i'm tired, i will walk into a coffeeshop by the street and have a latte with croissant and wink at every blue eyed girl that looks my way.

Finally, the time will come when everything has to end. i will find myself a land that is off a cliff and overlooking the sea. sunrise and sunset are nothing but just a brief look away. and when the night comes, the moonlight will illuminate the house making it glow at night.

how unbelievably mythical and magical.

*take me away from all these shit