everything is piling up. five weeks into it but you feel that you have been trapped here for a lifetime and still counting. you are fast drowning under this sea of plain insanity and you would think that you would concentrate on the task at hand, that is to stay alive. but no, at these crucial moments you have to start thinking about mundane stuffs that is slowly draining what little strength you have left. maybe you should just let the current sweep you away.

no, it's not okay. everything's not okay.

"My life? It isn't easy to explain. It has not been the rip-roaring spectacular I fancied it would be. But neither have I burrowed around with gophers. I suppose it has resembled a bluechip stock; farily stable, more ups than downs and gradually treading upwards over time. A good buy, a lucky buy and I've learned that not everyone can say this about his life. But do not be misled, I am nothing special; of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough."

-The Notebook By Nicholas Sparks

oh well.

The dark velvet depths of comforting blackness are pulling me down.
It would be so easy to follow in to the reassuring endless sleep where pain is unknown.
I have wished this many times, but I lack the courage to end the infinite sadness I feel inside.
So I am forever meant to be in the cold, outside, on the edge.
Waiting for someone who will never appear.
Someone to love me.

weekend freakshows

i hate the GV cinema near my house during the weekends. it is one of the very few cinemas (at least to my knowledge) that screen indian movies. so during the weekends, 'people' from all over the country come flocking to the cinema to catch their beloved bollywood stars in action. they would settle themselves on the pavements or even the field outside the cinema and share a 1.5 litre soft drink. detours are a must when going home on the weekends because they practically fill up the whole cinema. if i step in, i would be the only fair-skinned person among a sea of..erm..you know..the TAMILS. i'm not going to take that chance, they might sense the animoisity i have towards them and turn on me. so i have to walk round the cinema, all because of the tamils.

you know what's the worse combination? tamils and durians, my god.

Go figure.

it has been awhile.

a seemingly innocent coversation on the journey back unwittingly triggered memories that has long been forgiven but never forgotten. like a well-concealed sniper, it crept softly onto you and reared its ugly head before defenses could be gathered.

perhaps it is the perverse nature of man to yearn to be loved, to know that someone is always waiting behind the scenes for you. maybe it is the kick that you get from these ego trips that you refuse to confess that you feel zilch, kosong, no feelings, to those who are foolish enough to think that you are the world. then again, it might be the power that you possess over them, your actions and words dictate their moods subconsciously. a smile and they are in 7th heaven, a cold shoulder and they crash through the purgatory of hell. you keep these people within your grasp, never allowing them to move on with their lives. the moment you sense that they are getting away, you return and wreak havoc on their lives. then you leave them, satisfied that you have left them shattered and crazier about you than ever before. you never spared a thought for these people, of what became of them when you left them shivering in the night. you never considered what might become of them after all's been said and done. that they fear meeting another person like you so much so that they never dared to venture out again.

unwanted memories, forgiven but perhaps not really forgotten.

if only.

Endless Road

the truth is tearing up my heart.
i cant recognize this place
the endless road without a stop sign
cant even find a stranger this time

why am i still holding back my tears?
in this loneliness there's nothing to fear
every chord still seems a wonder
how we could be together
every time i ask if this would be the last

why am i still talking to myself?
hoping you will have the keys to my cell
every song might calm the weather
but it just draws me deeper
how do i get out of this
i think i never will

a crystal forming in the eye
maybe this would be the last
the winding path down my face
till i begin to taste the bitterness inside.

listen and feel.

you lost the bet

you entered the bet expecting to win but half wishing you would lose. it was one of the seldom times that you got it wrong. perhaps because you understand too much that at times it hurts. maybe its true that a leopard can really change its spots. so you lost, but you are at peace with yourself. there was never any bitterness in the beginning and there will be none as this chapter comes to a close. they are embarking on a wondrous journey together. they have your utmost blessings.

be happy

做你的外套
只能穿梭你的外表
听到你对他的撒娇
可笑的是我没资格计较
做你的外套
拥抱着却不被拥抱
我是谁你知不知道　
怎能随便穿上又换掉?

The fascination with women in office wear.

well, before you go shaking your head and muttering "pervert", please let me plead my case. i mean how do you resist this aura that they exude so effortlessly? 'they' that are dressed in suits and skirts? 'they' that can bring you to your knees with a look? for the suits, i dont really mind if it's black or white for the suits cuz i've seen both and both will look equally gorgeous if you can carry it off. but on hindsight, i feel that white is a tad more sexier and alluring(*wink wink*). the skirt must not be a la 'ally mcbeal' style skirt where it is so short that the underwear is playing peek-a-boo . it just cheapens the whole image. office ladies my friends, not some cheap prostitutes. maybe they can have long hair and also big eyes and eyelashes that are so long that it can curl all the way back? how about a dimple on the right cheek when she smiles? and to top it all off, maybe a whiff of Hugo Boss Intense?

what the heck, i just saw one today. i may be overexaggerating and adding some of my own uhm..fantasies (some call it fetish, but sounds unhealthy) but boy did she knock my socks off. but the catch? she was with a balding indian!!!

ok, i'm guilty as charged.

In Dreams

If only I could stay asleep.
At least I could pretend that you're thinking of me,
'Cos night time is the one time I am happy.
You see in my dreams,
We climb and climb and at the top we fly,
Let the world go on below us.
We are lost in time.
And I don't know really what it means,
All I know is that you love me,
In my dreams.

only in dreams, only in my dreams.

a man in his late forties having his paws all over a woman who could be his daughter. beside them stand a pair of newlyweds having their wedding photos taken. how ironic. how absolutely downright fucking ironic.

it never rains. it pours. everytime. every single time.

dreams can be cured with a pinch. hopes shatter with a single word. maybes dissove in the face of reality. illusions never change into something real.

now i know, now i really know.

night has settled, dawn approaches in a few hours. i thought sleep occurs when you are tired and then you close your eyes. but it seems that sleep has other ideas for me.

"The only constant in this world is changes."

everything changes, it's just a matter of time. "Times have changed", "Things are different now". how many times have you heard these phrases being uttered? times change, things change and yes, feelings change. sometimes change creeps up on you so silently that you never really did realise until it is too late. you discover that things were not what they used to be. you find yourself standing alone at the crossroads, having to make a decision that will make or break another person's life. at other times, change strike so suddenly that you find it impossible to accept. you stand on this plateau of confusion and disbelief as your life disintegrates before your very eyes. in this midst of despair and bitterness, the word "why?" echoes mockingly in your mind. you need a reason. something for you to accept this change, so that you can be at peace and move on. deep down you hate these changes that have totally altered your life. you don't want to make that decision, you refuse to accept that things can change that fast. but all has changed, maybe its time to make that decision and move on.

Storm

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the oceans shapeless form.
The water's getting harder to thread
with these waves crashing over my head.

If I could just see you everything would be alright.
If I could see you this darkness would turn into light
and I will walk on water, and you will catch me if I fall,
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything would be alright, and everything would be alright.

maybbe one day, someone would invent a switch that can be implanted into humans. when it is time to sleep, people just need to set the alarm and turn off the switch. immediately, they will fall into the blissful surrender of sleep. and the switch will be turned on when the alarm goes off the following morning. people will then face the new day fresh and with ample amount of sleep. imagine the amount of insomniacs this will cure. people can literally sleep away their melancholy during the night. but that is something for the future. for now, people still face sleepless nights for whatever reasons. they roam on this realm between dream and reality where they are to face the night alone. they wish that darkness would claim them and bring them salvation. but it is another joke played on them by life when you cant even sleep when you want to.

Solitude never felt this real.

Life is unpredictable. everyone is powerless against the passage of time and fate. lives could be changed forever in a blink of an eye. there are times when you feel that watching the sunrise is not a privelge but a given right. you do not realise that there are other people who had gone through hell and purgatory just to live through the previous night. you take every day as it is and always plan about 'tomorrow', never realising that one day 'tomorrow' might not arrive. have you thought about today? or is it just like any other day? have you neglected the finer things in life because of your obsession of material wants? when was the last time you put your hands over your mum's shoulders and watched Tv together? when was the last time you apologised to your friends for being patient with such a disaster like you? when was the last time you told them you love them? they might break your heart if you tell them, but if you don't, you might break theirs.

the more i talk, the more misunderstood everything gets. maybe its a sign to close this space down.

what in the freaking blue hell is wrong with the goddamn bloody image? is this some kind of sick joke? well, i dont bloody get it and it ain't funny at all! please stop this lame thing and return me my image!

okay where do i begin? i think my loser qualities are becoming obvious. was standing in queue at a petrol mart for Newpaper. don't get me wrong, the cashier was friendly and courteous. "hi sir! any petrol?". that was her friendly first-liner to all the guys in front of me. some said yes and of course some said no (because they dont have a car). but when it was my turn, instead of that, i got "70 cents". i waited for a good 5 seconds for the "any petrol" part to come but no. she just stared at me..what? i don't look like someone who's rich and can own a car? everyone was in shorts and t-shirts. why do they have the "i own a car" look, and i dont have? is it in their t - shirts? just because i wear a school t-shirt doesnt mean i dont own a car! i dont, but that's not the point. loser.

revisited my friendster account. most of my friends have at least 100 friends. wow. then i look at mine. pathetic. terrible. shocking. incorrigible. 29. 29! Loser!

and to top it all off. i hate my face. i look like a, i quote "hokkien ah beng". yeah, laugh and gloat all you want.

LOSER