the bills just came in. i need a job. i need it like right now!

there's always this assumption that it is always those mats that will always be rowdy and making a helluva lot of noise at the void decks and vicinity. no offence to the mats but hey, they are always seen around there, aren't they. however, it seems that they are not the only ones who can be irritating. big groups of people,regardless of race, will also congregate there in the name of revision. the topics that they discuss are at times intriguing but mostly irritating. maybe they do not understand that there are actually individuals who seek refuge there so as to get down to some serious revision where they try to understand the greek words that are staring back at them. shoutout to the bald lonely indian that was at the other end. although i have an understandable aversion to your race but well..what the heck..we endured. they even touched on the virtues of swallowing semen. unbelievable, wonder what module's that.

well, not all's bad. maybe you get to bump into old buddies that you have never seen for ages and do catch up. catching up is one thing you should never get bored of. the old gossips, the old flames, the bitches that you used to hate, those buddies you use to have. catching up is a fulfilling pastime.

life is just one big rehearsal for a play that will never take place. it is sad when people say that life is short and yet life decides to make it all into a big joke. in a blink of an eye, when we are left alone to face our own skeletons, we realise that what we want is never what we get. you have grown weary and spent. past comforts have all become nothing but a figment of the past. at the end of the day, you need a place where you can rest your soul upon. you need someone who will hold you quietly while you cry. but you never get what you want. so you continue on this journey, this rehearsal, till the day your limbs can no longer move, till the day when light grows dimmer and dimmer. till the day when oblivion engulfs you.

solace - where are you when i need you.

hold me.

Perhaps I know why it is man alone who laughs: He alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter. i hate smiling to pretend that i'm not hurt. i hate to giggle to show that i'm ok. i hate to laugh after i cry. i hate all these because it's just one big lie. defenses are stripped to the bare minimum. excess baggage follow you around. tired, drained, exhausted. you need a breather, someone to hear you out. but as much as you want to, there's somethin holding you back. you realise you don't even know what to talk about. would they understand the gibberish that you dish out? sometimes there's just too much to say that in the end you give up trying to convey. you are only human. you seek solace. but from what, from where, from whom? maybe some thing. maybe some where, maybe some one. maybe no one.

i need you

they say when you are alone its better because nobody knows you. when no one's your friend, it's better because nobody leaves you. But i hear voices and i see colours. and i wish i didn't feel anything. that it might be easy for me, like it is for you. why is it always them and not me that finds it easy? If so, why do we yearn for company when we are perfectly fine alone, empowering them with the ability to hurt us? why do we lower ourselves to a position of emotional vulnerability where a word can shatter our very soul? in the bitter watches of the night, when the silence is deafening and the darkness complete, you find youself reaching out involuntarily to something, someone. but to whom, to what? why do you even reach out in the first place? who or what has ever answered your call of distress? haven't you always faced your nightmares alone with only the silence ever witnessing the whisperings of your tears. then why the desire, the need, still festers after all these time? i guess solitude is the profoundest fact of human condition because man are the only beings who knows he is alone. but why, why must you feel this way?

The shifting sands of love, like death, send you to a place of pleasure and pain. Fight on, save your soul from eternal torment.

dont.

it is moments like this, the realm between the fast approaching daylight and the lingering night, that your senses seem to heightened. it is times like this, when you are slowly slipping into oblivion, that you suddenly feel lost and devoid of directions. you never do like reading signals because you always believe you will get it wrong. you'd rather refuse to guess than get it wrong, because the consequences will spiral beyond control. you are shivering, with no arms for you to seek solace. there's no choice but to go on, against the freezing cold and loneliness with this unexplainable feeling that is festering in your heart. how you wish that you could just slip into oblivion and stay in the darkness forever. how you wish there's a place where you could rest your tired soul upon. maybe one day you'll stop having emotions that should never happen in the first place.

but come on.

fucking computer. what kind of computer will hang just when you are about to save?? Aaargh!!!..all gone!!..what the heck is wrong?.. and now i have a phobia that it will hang, flash is also killing me and dunno why i cant sign in to msn and my mum just bought durians and the whole kitchen stink of durians..Aaargh!!!

"I can't believe I've lived this long without having your love," she whispered weakly. "You have had it. I've always loved you," he said quietly, threading his fingers through her hair to press her head against his heart. "I just didn't know your name."

don't judge me, when you do not know me. don't pretend to be a saint in front of me, and stab me when i'm not looking. how dare you call me names, when you know truly you deserve much more than you are getting now. stop talking behind others back. i'm fed up. if it's a fight you want. then a fight is what you get. come and get me. make the first move. don't keep me waiting.

if i get the chance, i would like to open a F & B outlet that occupies two levels. The outlet will be located at somewhere hip and central and will be divided into three sections.

Section 1 and 2
Section 1 and 2 would be located at the 1st level. This level would be a dining area. The food will have a large variety of different types of cuisine. Feast upon the sashimi, caviar, pasta, steak, tandoori chicken and many more at the dining area. The main attraction would be that section 2 of the dining area serves halal food. this means that all those who take halal food would not be deprived of the sumptous dishes available. most importantly, people no longer need to search high and low for a halal restaurant that is suitable for everyone. with a large selection of choices that are halal, nobody would be deprived of the food.


Section 3
had a great dinner but realised that there is no after-dinner activities? fret not. visit the pub that is situated on level 2. reminisce about the good old days with your friends over a few glasses of alcohol while a in-house band plays soothingly in the background. there will be different themes for the music in the pub. monday - ballads, tuesday - jazz, wednesday - rock and so on. strictly no bar-top dancing. especially those of the hippo or rhino proportions. period.

like a scene from a movie, the scene unfolded in front of your very eyes. cruel and devastatingly beautiful. you tear your eyes away from the haunting moments and pray for composure. the wind howled, the silence mocked, the stars cried and the moon wept. in the worlds of bliss and contentment, you can only be the one observing it, never the one in it. even the normally comforting camouflage of darkness seem to desert you. in the future, you are just a figment of the past. there are so many things to talk about, forbidden secrets that should not even be mentioned. open wounds that simply refuse to heal. perhaps you brought it all upon yourself. perhaps one day you can smile and talk openly. but no, not now. not now when all still festers.

dark whispers trapped within the icy walls, long may it stay there.

sick and tired of the playacting. if there are opinions, voice it. if there are unhappiness, air it. deep-lying dissatisfaction? tell it. let the whole world know. at least people can try doing something about it. dont keep mum and act like a matyr or pariah. cut that crap. spare me that attitude. it's getting on the nerves. others may deserve it. but i do not think i do. stop this festering in my heart.

Pretense

Everyone faces the world with their own facade of pretensions. maybe some time along the way, people tried to take down their masks and try to be who they are. but they realised too quickly and cruelly that honesty and sincerity are not that vogue in the real world after all. so the masks return. they start to walk the walk and talk the talk. they smile but are they really smiling? or is it just a more polite way to tell you to get lost? you want to reach out, but the door just slams in your face. it seems so helpless. exasperation fills you but then you realized that you are not that innocent too. who knows that if the person they see is really you or just another person wearing a costume performing on a stage we call world. maybe masks and pretensions are justifiable. people may have their reasons for doing so. but it is unforgivable if you think you can take another person for a ride and escape scot-free.

keep the mask on. it may not be that bad a thing after all.

a burned weeked with approaching deadlines. thank you guys for making this a more bearable weekend. thank you for making it an enjoyable weekend. thank you, all of you. you know who you are.

your blood is boiling, adrenaline is coursing through your body at maximum speed. you cant concentrate. your fists are clenched and your knuckles have turned white. Flames are dancing dangerously in your eyes. But just as everything threatens to get out of hand, your inexplicable control takes over. cold logic takes centre stage and the fire is changed into ice. It is beyond your comprehension on the reasons why some people derive satisfaction at the demise of others. these bunch of adventure-seekers embark on their search for cheap thrills that will occupy their time. they fail to notice that their 'thrills' are human beings. human beings that have emotions, human beings that feel and human beings that jolly well deplore being taken for a ride. but the 'thrill-seekers' do not bat an eyelid to the destruction their actions will cause. to them, this whole thing is just a game. they move on when the thrill is over, leaving yet another broken-hearted human at their feet. but they are unwilling to give up on these humans, they believe that they should keep them somewhere so if one day, they cant find anything more thrilling, they will revisit these 'old thrills'. u feel so utterly disgusted and disappointed in these people. they do not deserve your respect. why do they if they do not give a damn to the feelings of others?

i cant go on like this. one day i will just automatic shut down and thats it.

they say when you are alone, it is better because nobody knows you. when no one is your friend, it is better because nobody leaves you. but i hear voices and I see colours. And i wish i didn't feel anything. Then it might be easy for me, like it is for you.

"one sheep, two sheep, three sheep..1023 sheep,1024 sheep, 102...ahhh!"

Graciousness

The situation at Mrt stations is getting more and more deplorable. Some of the passengers do not understand the meaning of lining up or 'please give way to alighting passengers'. aunties and those in their middle-ages and above really deserve some shout-outs here. they are the last to arrive at the stations, but they are the first to stand in front of the door when the train comes without even feeling embarrassed. when the door open, they try to wrestle their way in like there's no tomorrow. aunties in particular, they rush in to get their seats and proceed to feel very satisfied as they have managed to win a place to seat. the worse should be that they think that it's nothing wrong, but they curse and swear when others do it on them. such graciousness. absolutely deplorable and incorrigible.

"People come into our lives and walk with us a mile, and then because of circumstance they only stay a while. They serve a need within the days that move so quickly by, and then are gone beyond our reach, we often wonder why. God only knows the reason that we meet and share a smile, why people come into our lives and walk with us a mile."

do you ever wonder why some people just gradually fade out of your life? like the train, they sit with you for awhile and leave when they arrive at their stops. you may see them again tomorrow on the same train but then again, you may never see them again. years down the road, you may recall this incident and blame yourself for not trying enough to get to know this person. it may not be any fault of yours. maybe you tried making small talk to the person. maybe you talked about your family, where do you work, stay etc. but when you turn and look expectanly at that person, he or she mumbles something inaudible and gets off at the next station. what do you do then? there's nothing you can do i guess. yes, you would be hurt, you would feel let down. but people may have their reasons in behaving this way, there's no point being judgemental when you do not know everything. moreover, whoever said life was happy?

make small talk with the person beside you, smile and laugh and even snuggle a little closer, but bear in mind that they may be getting off at the next station. do not take it personally if they leave abruptly. they have to.

"The world will always be cruel, but it never seems that way unless you face it alone." but you are alone.

have you ever stayed up at night, when the mercy of sleep seem to elude you. when all else have fallen into slumber and all that is left is you, trapped in this realm of unsleeping wilderness.. your doubts seem to creep up on you, your fears suddenly become magnified. you pray for sleep, you pray for death. but all that you are given is silence. deafening and choking. who knows what you have spoken to the darkness, in the bitter watches of the night. when all of your life seems to shrink and the walls closing in about you. a hushed tremor that will shake you to the core, bringing you to your knees. maybe then the mercy of sleep will claim you. maybe, just maybe.